Why Bets From J Potter Should Be Politely Refused
by Werewolves-Oh-My
Summary: James needs motivation to speed up his quest for fair Lily's hand. Remus needs to learn to never accept a bet from a marauder. Sirius and Lily need to be afraid. Very afraid.
1. Chapter 1

_"How did we end up here?" James frowned across at Remus, who pulled his robe more tightly around his frame._

_"This is all your bloody fault." Remus muttered, hopping from one foot to the other to escape the cold floors. "You and that bloody contract." Glancing at his watch, he looked up again at James, harsh inevitability playing at his face. "Its time."_

_"Right." James sighed, stepping closer to the grand doors that lead into the Great Hall. "On three?" Remus took a final deep breath, nodding at James anxiously. "One, Two, Three... Go!"_

* * *

_Two Months Previously..._

"Remus Lupin, I have a proposition for you." James grinned, standing in front of Remus with his hands deep in his pockets. Sat in the empty common room, Remus kept his eyes trained onto his potions book, the slight raising of his eyebrows the only indication he'd heard James at all. "I am afraid I have lost my motivation for the seduction of my precious Lilyflower. Now, as lovely as she is, I know I would wait until the end of the world for her, and I fear this is holding me back. I need some fire in my belly, some bees in my bonnet!" James exclaimed, grinning towards the calm werewolf with a manic disposition. Remus looked up from his book patiently, contemplating whether or not to indulge his friend, before sighing and patting the space next to him.

"You and Sirius will be the death of me." Remus smiled tiredly, placing his potions text on the side and scrunching his nose slightly. "Or at the very least, make me fail Potions."

"Ever the melodramatic, Moons!" James sat down in the offered space with aristocratic flair.

"Oh, and this is coming from you?" Remus raised an eyebrow. James shrugged, and began to watch Remus put away his writing equipment. "Out with it then. What do you want me to do?"

James sat up straight once more, grabbing Remus by the shoulders and turning him so they faced each other. Not removing his hands from the werewolf's shoulders, James began talking. "I challenge you, Remus Lupin, to share a loving kiss someone of my choosing before I kiss Lily Evans-soon-to-be-Potter!" James smiled, throwing his hands off Remus' shoulders and his arms open. "I will, of course, make it someone who is achievable and you will enjoy. The kiss must be done whilst both participants are willing and completely stone cold sober."

"Who is this mysterious 'someone'?" Remus' eyes narrowed, worried by his friend's calculating look. Nonetheless, his smile remained, ever amused by James' passion and odd ideas.

"No no. No. I'm not telling you until you agree to do this." James smirked, placing his hand out in front of him. "Please, Moony? For me?" Although James' puppy dog eyes were nowhere near as good as Sirius or Remus' own, it didn't usually take much to make Remus do his friend's bidding, and so with a roll of his eyes he stuck his hand out to shake. "Yay! Okay, the loser shall have to streak through the Great Hall at dinnertime, singing "God Save The Queen". The losing punishment shall also apply if either of the other participants find out about said agreement. If either of us drop out of the agreement, the quitter's hair shall be charmed fluorescent purple with permanent colouring, their skin shall become reptilian and they will develop the tiny eyes of a sheep!" James stated, performing the appropriate charms over their entwined hands.

"The eyes of a sheep? I guess I'd best win then." Remus grinned sarcastically, pulling his hand out of James' grip as the final spell was cast to seal the deal. A scroll rolled out of the end of James' wand, followed by a thick, dramatic quill. James grabbed both quickly, scribbling on the paper before handing it over to Remus.

"Sign and date, please." Remus sighed, closing his eyes as he flicked his signature out upon the unread page.

"I can't believe you created a contract, Prongs, I mean really... This is a bet, not the Treaty of Versailles." Remus rolled his eyes, waving the piece of paper towards James with a smile.

"This is official maraudering business. That's much more important than some petty peace treaty." James smiled, grin widening as he watched Remus begin to read the contract.

"_Covenant between Esq. James Harold Bartholomew Potter _- James, your middle name isn't Bartholomew - _and Dr. Remus Jadoki Lupin_ - Jadoki?" Remus paused amusedly, glancing at James. "Do you actually have any idea what my middle name is?"

"I know it begins with J." James shrugged.

"Right." Remus raised a single eyebrow, looking down upon the contract and continuing to read aloud. "_The aforementioned parties will compete for the affections of certain persons, with the slower competitor subject to a forfeit, described in detail later in this document. It is necessary for the details of this contract to remain completely confidential, therefore not a word should be revealed to any individual aside from Esq. J.P and Dr. R.L; nor shall either party interfere with their competitor's intended partners. Since the days of Beedle The Bard, individuals have been... _James? Did you really have to make this so long winded?" Remus smiled, eyes skipping the history lesson in the middle of the text. "_Esq. Potters' affections shall be aimed towards the emerald beauty, Lilabeth - _Lily's name isn't Lilabeth, James -_ Regina Evans-Potter, whilst Dr Lupin shall romance the one, the right honorable -" _Remus choked, reading the name in front of him over and over in disbelief, before looking to James, gaping like a goldfish.

"Sirius. As in Sirius Black. As in Padfoot. As in Mr Heterosexual." Remus stated monotonously, blinking at James.

"Well, unless you know any other Sirius Orion Blacks..." James grinned, leaning back into the sofa. "Besides, he's more along the lines of Mr Anthing that Moves."

"Prongs, you can't be serious." Remus frowned, gripping the edge of the sofa tightly. "I don't like Pads that way, and I'm not gay, and -"

"Hang on, mister." James looked around to check neither Lily nor Padfoot were in the common room, before continuing. "Don't think I haven't seen the looks you throw at our Padfoot. If it wasn't for the fact that I do not enjoy such sodomising practices, I might feel a tad left out!" James grinned, draping himself over Remus' lap. "Now, what is the problem? You like him. You're Pads' favourite, maybe he likes you too. You're always saying that the only reason you're not trying out every other girl in Hogwarts is because you haven't found the right someone. Well, Pads might be that someone! See, I'm doing you a favour."

"No. I take it back. I don't agree to this at all. I don't like Padfoot. I don't." Remus shook his head, mind spinning from the absurdity of it all. Yes, occasionally he would look over at Padfoot with what could be mistaken for admiration, but that was just because he was wondering how his friend achieved such shiny locks! And okay, occasionally he would consider what it was like to hold one of those large, aristocratic hands in his own, but that didn't make him gay...

"Are you dropping out of the agreement?" James' eyebrows flew into his hairline, and within seconds the skin on Remus' hands was slowly turning scaly.

"No! No." Remus whispered, the reptilian skin receding as quickly as it had grown. "I'll try it. Not because I like Padfoot, because I don't. Purely for the bet. But, Gods, couldn't you have just asked me to romance one of the Prewett sisters, or something?"

"Of course not, Moons. I have witnessed first hand your charming gentility. You could have any girl in Hogwarts with a flash of that smile that you've developed. I needed to find you someone who'd take a bit more effort, a bit of hard work, so that I would have to rush with Lily but still stood a chance of winning." James nudged Remus with his elbow knowingly.

"You stand more than a bloody chance of winning." Remus grumbled under his breath, arms tense in mild annoyance. "You've just asked me to steal a kiss from Hogwart's biggest womanizer, and if I don't I have to let the entire of Hogwarts see me starkers. The only chance I have is if he's become so incredibly straight that he's gone full circle round to the gay end of the spectrum."

"Giving up so easily?" James grinned up at the werewolf, clapping his hands. James, being the best friend of the aforementioned pureblood, mused over the possibility that Remus was right; perhaps the reason Sirius had 'turned towards men' was due to excessive contact with women. Nonetheless, James wasn't about to reveal Sirius' recent departure to the gay side of the spectrum to Remus. _That would give him an advantage. As if I'm doing __**that**__. _"Oh Moons, I am looking forward to seeing you run in the buff through the Great Hall. That's motivation enough to speed up this whole Lily thing."

Remus pushed James' head off his lap for a moment, standing up and turning to the marauder still sprawled out on the couch and crouching down to his level. Taking a deep breath and resting his hand on his fist for a second, Remus paused, trying to clear his head and think of a way out of this. Straightening his back in realisation, he smiled, looking at James' grinning face. "Oh, have no fear, Prongs. I will give this thing a go. In fact, I reckon I can make him initiate the kiss." _In for a penny, in for a pound... _Remus grinned, faking confidence as he saw amusement flicker through James' eyes.

"Really?" James smiled, lifting himself into a sitting position. _Looks like his marauding side is finally coming to the fore. _"Fine. I'll equal that bet. What do you propose the forfeit be, Monsieur Moony?"

"If one of us manages to get our intended victims to kiss us of their own volition, the loser has to dance around the great hall, as opposed to just running, and invite a teacher of your choice to dance with them." Remus smirked in amusement. Channeling his inner marauder, he pushed the tiny, sensible voice that was screaming obscenities in his ear to the back of his mind, too committed to this bet to back out now.

"You're mighty confident all of a sudden." James squinted, tilting his head contemplatively as Remus' marauding side emerged. "I love you when you're like this!" James scribbled the appendices to the end of the document, smiling as he rolled the scroll into a tube, placing it in his pocket carefully.

"Well, as unlikely as it is that Sirius will kiss me without any prompts, it is much less likely that Lily Evans will kiss you at all in the next 5 or so years. And the chances of her initiating said kiss are very, very minimal." Remus grinned, rising slowly to his feet whilst grabbing his book from the side. "May the best man win."

"Oh, don't worry, I will." James grinned, saluting Remus. "Oh, and Moons? I wouldn't have given you Sirius to woo if I didn't think that he might like you too. I want you to be embarrassed, not humiliated." James winked, smiling as Remus flicked him the birdie, walking away calmly. James fell back onto the soft cushions in the Gryffindor common room, laughing quietly to himself. This was going to be fun.

* * *

_This is my new story, BETA'd by the whimsically wonderful **busybee10.** Usual disclaimers apply, and since I've got 4 'works in progress' up on ffnet at the moment, the more you review the more likely I am to prioritise this story! What fun. Flames are not encouraged, and anyone caught flaming will be FLOGGED. _


	2. Chapter 2

***Authors Note*I'd like to take a quick moment to apologise; my lovely beta hasn't had a chance to check this, and I needed to post it today as I'm going to be without internet for at least another two weeks by the looks of things. Because of this, it has not been beta'd. I've tried to check it over myself, and cut out as many mistakes as possible, but I know I've probably missed a few! I'm very sorry about this, I hope it does not affect your reading experience!**

**ONWARDS!  
**

* * *

_"POTTER!"_ Lily fumed, hand loosely wrapped around the handle of a small basket. "If you think _this_ is going to make me fall madly in love with you, you need to take a good long look in the mirror. Give it up!"

The entire Great Hall watched the drama over their breakfasts, amused by the prefect's anger and the prankster's audacity. In the middle of the furore, alongside the warring duo, sat the remaining marauders. Peter gnawed his lip as he watched James fight a losing battle, whilst Sirius nudged Remus with a grin on his face, and Remus continued eating, seemingly oblivious to the couple's argument (to the untrained eye, that was).

"But darling! Can't you see that we're made for one another?" James' deep voice echoed around the Great Hall as Lily stomped towards him, anger emanating from her every pore. Falling to his knees, he smiled up at her, grabbing Lily's free hand. "You could be the Nancy to my Sid! The Leia to my Hans! The Queen to my Phillip!"

"Potter, you idiot, are you implying you are a racist, murdering, reckless mercenary? And that I'm a 56 year old woman who you kill while I have affairs with my siblings?" Lily frowned with one raised eyebrow, holding her box of muggle merchandise sceptically as she looked at the muggle DVDs, muggle chocolate, non-magical toaster and shirt saying 'muggles do it better'.

"What?" James panicked, scanning his mind for an appropriate response.

"Well? Do you _actually _have any idea who Nancy, Sid, Leia or Han are, or did you just assume I'd cascade dramatically into your arms, at the mere thought that you love me enough to have flicked through a muggle studies text book?" Lily asked sarcastically, clutching her hands dramatically against her chest. "Oh James, your dedication to the cause truly tugs at my heart strings."

"I was merely implying that we are quintessentially designed for one another, like the queen and her gloriously perfect hubby. I could be your personal prince, my darling, your own Prince Phillip." James smiled, hoping this was an acceptable response. Judging the angry glare on Lily's face, it wasn't. James scrambled to his feet as Lily snatched her hand back, flicking her hair in fury.

"You couldn't be more wrong. I've met one eyed centaurs with behavioural problems that are better suited for me than you." Lily hissed angrily, grabbing her bag from the floor and throwing the basket of gifts aside, subtly grabbing the bar of Cadbury's chocolate. "And, had you done the_ slightest _bit of research, you'd know that Prince Phillip may well be the one man in the world less desirable than you."

James sighed as Lily turned away with a huff, going to the other end of the Gryffindor table where her giggling friends were stationed. Slipping back into his seat alongside Peter, James slumped, head resting softly on his arms. "Unlucky, mate. At least this time she said you were the second least desirable man in the world! Its an improvement!" Peter grinned supportively. "She'll come around to your charms soon." Peter finished, slapping James on the back.

"Hopefully not too soon..." Remus muttered, hiding his smile behind a spoonful of cornflakes as Sirius glanced at him inquisitively.

"How did that not work? I bought her chocolate, dammit, that should work with women!" James fumed, slamming a fist down on the table disappointedly.

"If you were romancing Moony, maybe." Sirius laughed, nudging the werewolf with his shoulder. Remus smiled over at James, sipping pointedly at his pumpkin juice. "Oh Lilyflower, my precious darling, aren't we just made for one another!" Sirius barked, draping himself over a smirking Remus. "I am _quintessentially _designed for you" He laughed, face inches from Remus's as he grinned, grabbing a jar from the table. "Moony, my darling, may I have your hand in marriage in exchange for this fantastic tub of chocolate spread?"

"How could I dream of rejecting such a generous offer?" Remus smiled, laughing and praying he was not blushing as Sirius threw himself at the werewolf.

"You'd marry him for a tub of nutella?" Peter grinned, gulping at his hot chocolate. "What on earth would you do for one of those yards of chocolate?"

"I fear that is inappropriate conversation for the breakfast table, Pete." Remus grinned, oblivious to the shade of red that Sirius alongside him developed. James, however did notice, not that he was ever going to tell Remus. That would be far too advantageous for the werewolf, and that would just not do.

Sirius glanced over at Remus for a moment, small smile on his face, before he realised he was staring. Glancing around the table quickly to check he hadn't been caught, he slapped his knee, needing to escape. "Oh, rhubarb. I've gone and left my copy of your charms homework up in the dorms..." Sirius frowned. He stood up, discarding his napkin as he climbed off the bench, leaning over Remus to steal a slice of toast.

"I need to pop up to the dorms too." Peter piped up, standing and climbing off the bench with far less grace. "You two coming?" Remus motioned to his still full bowl of cornflakes, whilst James shook his head. "See you in charms, then." The pair walked off, leaving Remus smirking at James.

"I don't know why you're looking at me like that." James huffed, chomping into his toast angrily. "Its not as if anything has changed."

"Perhaps not." Remus replied, motioning with his spoon towards the exit to the hall. "But if this meal has proved anything, its that I'm considerably further along with Sirius than you are with Lily."

"There's a very fine line between love and hate. There's a massive canyon between friendship and love, though." James poked his tongue out, stabbing his bacon frustratedly and putting far too much in his mouth.

"By that logic you and Snape are mere days from announcing your wedding plans." Remus stated, wiping his mouth casually as James gagged, slapping a hand over his mouth to prevent bacon spraying everywhere. Swallowing the bacon, he glared at Remus.

"You take that back." James pointed accusingly.

"Make me." Remus stuck his tongue out, grabbing his bag. "Come on, we'll be late for Charms."

"I can't believe you just said I should marry Snivelly. You, sir, have no concept of love." James huffed as they exited the great hall, barging Remus lightly with his shoulder. "Really, me and Snivelly..."

"In fairness, he'd probably kiss you before Lily will." Remus muttered, laughing as James froze, an affronted look plastered to his face. "I'm joking, James." He smiled, grinning once more as James smiled lightly. "He'd _definitely_ kiss you before Lily will." Remus was running before he finished his sentence, werewolf strength ensuring he was well out of the corridor before James registered what was said.  
_**  
"Remus Lupin!!!!"**_

* * *

Remus sighed as he sat in the Library that evening, gnawing at his lip as he leant over the parchment nervously. Having finished his Charms essay, he was working on something far more important and difficult.

Romancing Sirius Black.

Picking up his quill once more, Remus placed the nib to parchment, attempting to form a plan in his mind. He was not James; he couldn't just 'wing it' and hope for the best. Remus knew he only had one shot at this, else a friendship would be shattered and he'd never be able to look Sirius nor James in the eye ever again.

Nonetheless, a tiny, relatively quiet voice in Remus' head kept repeating that it would all be worth it if this were to work.

Taking a final deep breath, Remus began writing, trying not to forget anything important as he formed his plan.  
**  
_Romancing Sirius, To Do List_**_  
-Work out if I most definitely want to kiss Sirius  
-Flirt with Sirius (abandon ship if the man that would flirt with a rock doesn't flirt back)  
-Coax Sirius into coming out (or, abandon ship if he maintains that he's 100% straight)  
-Come out to Sirius and Peter (Peter is essential, no coming out to just Sirius or you'll end up jumping him.)  
-Make Sirius fall madly in love with me (or, abandon ship if he doesn't fall in love)  
-Hope Sirius kisses me (or, abandon ship when he kisses some other men/women instead)  
-Laugh as James dances round the great hall naked (or dance round hall myself should I abandon ship)  
-Sail off into the sunset with Sirius on the hopefully unabandoned ship.  
_  
Remus sighed, glancing over the list once more. His lips quirked upwards as he read the first bullet once more, and he ticked it off immediately. There was no doubting, despite what he had protested to James, that he most definitely wanted to kiss Sirius.

Normally this would have been a problem. After all, Sirius was most definitely male. However, it was made significantly easier by the fact that Remus was, most definitely, gay. Not that he had told anyone yet. Oh, of course not. Well, apart from the people he had dated, but that was very much par for the course. No one except those three, and certainly not any of his friends. He didn't even think he'd so much as hinted at it, so James seemed to have worked it out quite quickly, to his credit.

Remus was quite content with his status as a single man in the short term at least, should Sirius be unachievable. His few, short lived romances had all occurred over the summer months; he had nowhere near enough time away from the Marauders to form a relationship with anyone, which is why a relationship with Sirius would not only be very very desirable, but also rather practical.

Remus took a moment to himself, smiling as he imagined the possible benefits of this bet. Whilst, previously, he had been more than happy to sit back and just look at Sirius, James' little competition did make his desire to do more than just look that much stronger. If - and it was a big 'if' - Sirius was interested in more than friendship... Well, he'd have to learn some mighty strong silencing charms, so he could do all the things he had imagined without interruption.

Light footsteps behind him alerted Remus that he was no longer alone. Smiling, he kept his eyes trained on the papers. "Hello Sid. Or are you Nancy?"

"Hello, Casanova." James smirked, leaning over Remus' shoulder as he pinched him hard in revenge. "You made a 'to do list' for your love life? How romantic." He scrunched up his nose, walking round the table to sit opposite.

"Its pragmatic." Remus smiled, sliding the seat opposite out with the sole of his foot. _Besides, I need all the help I can get._

"Pragmatic means nothing in the world of love, Moony. You can't plan your love life, you've got to act on instinct!"

"Like you did this morning?" Remus smiled softly. "Maybe if you took a moment to think about the best approach you could take -"

"I'm not about to sap the passion out of our courtship and replace it with empty organised assault on my poor Lily!" James laughed, grabbing the parchment out of Remus' hands. "_Sail off into the sunset with Sirius on the hopefully unabandoned ship._ If Sirius is going to transport you anywhere, Rem, it wont be on a boat. You'll either be on a broom or a motorbike."

"I didn't mean it literally, Prongs." Remus smiled, taking the parchment back. "Its a metaphor."

"That's what they all say." James scoffed. "Lets try another little language device. Remus is as lovesick as a dragon over his infatuation for-"

"Myself, of course." Sirius jumped in, entering the small library cubby hole silently, barking out a laugh at the looks of shock on James and Remus' faces. Remus shoved the parchment into his pocket rapidly, exhaling sharply when he was sure Sirius had not seen it. "Like the rest of the Hogwarts population, dear old Moony is not resilient to my suave charm, are you darling?" Sirius barked, wrapping his arms around Remus' torso.

"Of course not." Remus stated drily as he regained his composure, peeling Sirius off himself. "How could I resist your floppy hair and entire lack of work ethic?"

"That hurts right here." Sirius pouted, clutching his hands over his heart dramatically. "And here I thought our love was infallible."

"Only until I find someone with better hair."

"Well then I'm safe for life, as you should well know that there is no one in the entire world with hair better than this magnificent mane." Sirius grinned, grabbing Remus' books and shoving them into his bag. "So, who is Remus as lovesick as a dragon over?"

"Lovesick as a dragon is an awful analogy. I have never yet met a lovesick dragon." Remus retorted, grabbing his books back and spreading them out on the table once more.

"Clearly you've been hanging out with the wrong dragons." James interspersed, tapping his quill against the table in amusement as he watched Remus and Sirius repeatedly pack and unpack Remus's books.

"Padfoot, I need to write my Transfiguration essay!"

"The library makes me feel nauseous." Sirius whined, grabbing Remus' books and shoving them into his own bag. "We're going outside so that you can tell me why you're a lovesick dragon."

"No, you're going outside, and you can take James with you if you like, but I'm staying here, like the lovesick dragon I am."   
"There's no point you staying here if I have all your books!" Sirius grinned, holding his book bag out of reach.

"Sirius, this is a library. There are plenty of books I can borrow."

"Blast." Sirius frowned, shoulders slumping slightly. Motioning towards James, the pair stood, moving towards the exit. "You're no fun, Moony."

"Nope." Remus stated curtly, eyes never leaving his parchment as he avoided Sirius' kicked puppy gaze. The pureblood sighed, opening the door to let James out, before hanging back for a moment.

"Who are you lovesick over?" He asked curiously, eyes trained on Remus's face. Remus paused in his writing, glancing at Sirius momentarily.

"Oh, no one you'd know." He lied, returning to his essay as Sirius frowned, following James' lead and exiting the library. Remus sighed, taking a moment to compose himself, before he returned to his essay, mind whirling 100 miles an hour with confusion and ideas.

* * *

Two hours later, Remus returned to an empty dormitory, moving over towards his bed tiredly. Stretching languidly, he tilted his head, spotting a curiously shaped parcel on his bed. Unwrapping it rapidly, he grinned, examining the large bar of Honeyduke's best as he read the attached note.

_What on earth **would** you do for one of these yards of chocolate? Now I'm curious. SB  
_

* * *

**Woop! OH MY GOD, 16 REVIEWS! You guys spoil me so *^.^***

**Now lets beat that! We can do so much better! 20 reviews leads to a naked Remus or Sirius appearing in the next chapter. 30 reviews (not going to happen) leads to both of them being naked. Come on, who can resist that?**

**Ravenclaw Royalty, I haven't planned how long I'm going to make it! I'm taking a leaf out of James's book for once and following my instincts instead of planning ahead for the story, so it depends on a) how I feel as it progresses, b) whether I'm getting a good response for it and c) whether I continue it once Sirius and Remus are together, which I probably wont. Maybe a sequel, who knows. We'll see :)**


	3. Chapter 3

**Well, you guys not only made target, you surpassed it! So, read on to see what you have been rewarded with....**

* * *

James walked into the room a few minutes later, watching Remus eat his chocolate with a look of surprise on his face. "Bloody hell."

"Would you like some chocolate, James? I have around a yard of the stuff, give or take..." Remus grinned, running a finger down the entire length on the bar. "Now. I wonder who could have given me this?" His grin widened, taking another bite of the chocolate bar. "I sincerely hope you've been practicing your waltz, Prongs, because McGonagal will not be happy with an unkempt naked waltz."

"So he gave you chocolate, that doesn't mean anything... Its not like its jewellery..." James grumbled, flopping onto his bed.

"Well, I don't see Lily giving you chocolate." Remus replied smugly, taking a bite from his large stick. James sat up, glancing at the chocolate with a grin on his face.

"That's because I'm the male in our relationship, and its always the stronger partner that gifts chocolate to the submissive one!" James laughed, jumping on his bed.

"That's bollocks, James." Remus scoffed, crossing his arms over his chest.

"No its not. Sirius is clearly the dom in your relationship." James smirked, standing opposite Remus with a look of triumph on his face.

"I'm not having this conversation." Remus replied, grabbing a book of his bedside table and flicking through. "And you're wrong."

"I'm most definitely not incorrect. Sirius is like me; he's got to be the male equivalent in your relationship."

"Are you implying you will be the dominant one in your future relationship with Lily?" Remus raised an eyebrow, grinning as James sneered at him.

"More dominant than you." James stuck his tongue out, turning as he heard the door to the dorms open. "PETE!" Peter froze, a deer in the headlights as he recognised _that _tone of voice. _That _tone of voice clearly showed that whatever was required of him was not pleasant. Peter shuffled towards the door slowly, before James jumped up, blocking the doorway. "No no no, Pete, my lovely Wormtail, I am in need of your assistance." James smiled, stalking towards Peter as he backed away slowly. "I need your _professional _opinion. Can you provide me with your fountain of knowledge?"

"..." Peter, looking from James to Remus back to James again, nodded nervously, looking very very confused.

"Fantastic! In the friendship between Sirius and Remus, who is the more dominant individual?" James asked, an interested look plastered upon his face.

"Err...Why?"

"The reasons for my curiosity are not important. Anyway, who do you think, Sirius or Remus?" Peter looked confused, so James continued, as Remus buried his head into his pillows in embarrassment. "Say the two of them were to get drunk and accidentally have sex. Who would be on top?"

"_James!" _Remus hissed, throwing his pillow at the pureblood's head.

"I don't feel comfortable answering that question." Peter squeaked, trying desperately to get around James. Remus interfered, trying to talk to Peter from where he sat across the room.

"Peter, you don't have to answer it if you don't -"

"You don't have a choice! Choose now!" James shouted over Remus, looming over Peter.

"Err..."

"**NOW!**"

"Remus? Because he's all wolfy and the wolf is stronger at full moons and Sirius usually does whatever Remus asks of him and I'm guessing by the look on your face I've said the wrong answer?" Peter rambled, scrunching up as he spotted the look of displeasure on James's face.

"Yes. Yes you have." James frowned, dragging a hand through his hair tiredly.

"... may I leave now?"

"Yes. Yes you may." Peter darted round James, scurrying out of the door rapidly with a quick embarrassed wave at Remus.

Remus sat quietly on his bed, munching on his chocolate contentedly as James sagged. "Sirius would agree with me." James huffed, sitting down on the bed next to Remus and breaking off some chocolate for himself.

"Maybe." Remus conceded, putting the chocolate away beneath his bed before he leant close to James, grinning wickedly. "But that's just because he hasn't experienced submission, Moony style." James shuddered, and Remus darted out the room, jogging down the stairs.

"Remus! Did you really have to give me that mental image?!" James winced, throwing himself down the stairs and rugby tackling Remus. "That's just not nice." He huffed, punching Remus on the arm as he loomed over him.

Remus laughed, before a high pitched voice broke through the common room. "Potter! What on Earth do you think you're doing to poor Remus?!? You could have injured him!"

"Lily, I don't need protecting." Remus grinned, watching James virtually jump off him as Lily approached. The fiery redhead ignored him, walking up to James and poking him in the chest.

"You are not to do that again." She hissed, poking him at each word for emphasis.

"Yes Evans. May I say you are looking positively ravishing?" James grinned sheepishly, running a hand through his hair hopefully.

"No you may not." Lily huffed, blowing her hair out of her eyes. "And don't drag your hand through your hair, you idiot! It looks better when you just leave it alone." Lily walked away, skirt swaying as she sashayed out of the common room.

"And I'm the submissive one?" Remus smirked from his position on the floor, prompting a clip around the ear from James. "Careful, Potter, wouldn't want Lily to tell you off again!" He grinned more, accepting a hand that was offered down. James helped him half way up, before dropping him to the floor again.

"And that's what you get for being smart with me." James huffed, before his legs were taken from under him by Remus' ankle.

"And that's what you get for being hopeless." Remus imitated, sticking his tongue out. "Come on, we've got Astronomy in a few minutes. Lets just agree that I'm right and be done with it." Remus grinned as he climbed slowly to his feet, James following suit.

"As if." James replied, smirking. "However, I would rather like to forget the details surrounding your sex life, if you may, so we shall agree that you are just asexual and be done with the whole hurrah." James announced, walking out of the common room and dragging Remus with him, singing at the top of his voice to avoid any arguments Remus might have.

* * *

The Astronomy class was winding down before the clock struck 10, the dark winter nights allowing for all the mapping to be done well before the usual late hours that were required in the summer. James, Remus and Sirius stood together, enjoying the relatively mild winter night, before they were interrupted by another voice.

"Remus! How are you today?" An anonymous Ravenclaw smiled, James and Sirius frowning as they struggled to remember her name. Behind her stood three other girls, large near-bursting book-bags signifying they were also Ravenclaws.

"Good evening Emily. I am well, thank you, how are you?" Remus smiled in response, turning away from a bemused Sirius to smile at the Ravenclaw sixth year.

"I am brilliant, however seeing you always makes things that bit better!" Emily smiled, resting a hand on Remus' arm lightly. "Anyway, I was just talking to Mme Pince, and she mentioned that you had the library's copy of The Secrets of The Perfect Wand Movement - great to find a fellow Alberto Calvari enthusiast! Anyway, we were wondering if you'd like to join us in the library on tuesday for a discussion of some of his other works for extra charms credit?"

"Reeeemus! Amuse me!" Sirius interrupted, hopping lightly in an attempt to regain Remus' attention.

"Give me a moment, Pads. A discussion with you lovely ladies would be very nice indeed." Remus smiled, reaching into his bookbag to dislodge Emily's hand from his arm.

"Fantastic! Is there any time that would be more convenient for you?" One of the other girls asked, stepping forward to smile at Remus.

"Emma, Remus is terribly busy and -"

"- how does tomorrow evening sound?"

"Don't make me do this, Lupin..." Remus threw an exhasperated glance at Sirius, before grinning slightly.

"Even better, we could skip the Quidditch match on Sunday; Gryffindor are only playing Hufflepuff, I'm sure my presence won't be missed..." Remus smiled, curious as to what would happen. James gasped, horrified that someone would choose intellectual conversation over quidditch.

"Aguamenti localis situlas!" Sirius yelled, and immediately small buckets appeared above each Ravenclaw girls' head, sloshing water onto them repeatedly. Squeals broke out, and Sirius watched with a smug grin as the Ravenclaws became more and more drenched, until the sound of a strong Ravenclaw voice, accompanied by a strong Ravenclaw wand, made his brow furrow.

"Reverso!" Emily shouted, waving her wand towards Sirius. The buckets over the three girl's heads shifted, shooting through the night sky to position themselves above Sirius, Remus and James.

"Oh! Remus, I'm so sorry -"

"- we only meant to get Black! Here, let me take your shirt -"

"-no no, let me -" Sirius huffed as the girls swarmed around Remus, and reached in to grab his arm.

"Leave him the hell alone." Sirius growled as James reversed the spell, the buckets collapsing in on themselves. A cold wind hit and all 6 drenched students shivered, the girls glaring at Sirius as they apologised again to Remus and ran inside.

James waved his wand, attempting to dry the three of them, before huffing as he realised the Ravenclaws had made drying by magic impossible. Shivering against the wind, James crossed his arms, glaring at both Remus and Sirius.

"This is why we say NEVER PRANK RAVENCLAWS, Padfoot!" James huffed, shaking his head to dislodge some of the water. "Remus Lupin, what were you thinking saying that you might skip Quidditch!?! BLASPHEMY! To the dormitory with both of you!" James marched them both away, Remus and Sirius grinning sheepishly at one another as their teeth chattered from the cold.

Upon reaching the dorm, James shook his head, ridding his hair of more of the water. "Bagsie the bathroom!" He charged towards the door, puddles forming in his wake as he slammed the door soundly.

Remus looked over at Sirius, noticing the puddle of water developing at his feet. "We need to get out of these wet clothes."

"Yes mama Moony." Sirius smirked, nudging Remus with his shoulder. "You can have 'the room', I'll change in my bed; it requires far better balance, and bless you Moony, your balance isn't the best." Sirius grabbed his pajamas from the end of the bed, grinning as he closed the curtains. Popping his head out from between them, he winked at Remus. "No peeking now, Rem. I know I'm irresistible and all, but we haven't even had coffee together yet!"

"We have coffee together every morning, Sirius." Remus raised an eyebrow, grabbing a towel and rubbing it through his hair.

"Besides the point. We haven't '_had coffee'._" Sirius grinned, popping his head back inside his bed. "Yet."

"Right." Remus grinned, turning away from Sirius's closed curtains. Desperate to get out of the sopping wet clothes, he grabbed his own pajamas, whipping the uniform off rapidly.

"Oh for fucks -" Remus glanced over his shoulder as he heard a struggle, eyes wide as he spotted a naked Sirius clawing onto his curtain desperately as he fell away from his bed. Landing on the floor on his front, Sirius grabbed a pillow from the bed, covering his dignity.

Remus raised an eyebrow as Sirius froze, holding a pillow protectively over his groin as he rolled onto his back. Remus moved towards him, holding his pajamas precariously over his own privates as he tried to prevent the bubbles of laughter from flowing over.

"Er..." Both Remus and Sirius jumped at a noise from the door, and looked over to see a very confused, slightly bemused Peter. "I'll, er, just... um..." Remus looked down, realising both he and Sirius were in states of undress, and dripping in water. Sirius seemed to reach the same conclusion rather quickly, and his eyes widened in realisation.

"Oh! We weren't..." Remus started, before Sirius overtook.

"No! We got wet and I just fell and happened to be naked and Remus also happened to be naked and then, well..."

"Okay..." Peter stated worriedly, grabbing his charms book and backing out of the room. "I'll just... er... leave you to your nudity..."

As Peter left, both Sirius and Remus were immersed in silence, Remus trying desperately hard not to stare at Sirius' statuesque body, completely ignorant to the fact Sirius was staring at him rather unabashedly. "Right. I'm going to... get dressed..." Remus mumbled, eyes anywhere but Sirius as he shuffled backwards towards his bed.

"That sounds like a rather grand idea, though considerably less fun than some other options!" Sirius laughed, voice cracking slightly as he stood up and moved towards his own bed. "Its a shame we don't have some of those large burlesque fans, Moony. I could have put on quite a show for you." He winked, closing the curtains around his bed once more.

Biting his lip forcefully to prevent a moan slipping from his mouth, Remus jumped into his own bed and threw his bed clothes on, mumbling about attractive idiots who were too damn sexy for their own good.

_

* * *

_

_Meanwhile..._

James stood in the bathroom, fully dried and slightly worried.

He had peeked into the dormitory mere moments before, at the sound of a loud smash, followed by Peter's voice. Glancing between the door and the wall, he could see both Remus and Sirius, who were both naked, making the sound of Peter's voice evermore confusing. Neither spotted his voyeurism, Remus far too caught up in staring pointedly at the ceiling, whilst Padfoot's eyes never left Moony.

His eyes were virtually crawling over Remus' skin, tracing each droplet of water from the werewolf's collarbone, down along his ribs, until it curled at his hip, running down his leg so, so slowly. Sirius' eyes returned upwards just as desperately, mapping out every inch of Remus' body in those few brief moments, until they rested on his face. Sirius stared unashamedly, safe in the knowledge Remus was too distracted to notice him, and examined his face with awed intensity.

It was a glance that sent tremors of fear running down James' spine. That was not a look that suggested Padfoot was going to be patient. That was a look that said Padfoot was going to be jumping Moony in a very very short time span. Which meant Lily had to jump James in an even shorter time span. The likelihood of this unprecedented display of love by Lily was mighty low.

Desperate times called for desperate measures.

James Potter, master of spontaneity, was going to make a plan. And God damn, It would be the best romancing Lily plan ever.

* * *

***stares at review count***

***looks up at reviewers with tears in eyes***

**I have never, in my entire 5 years of being on ffnet, had one chapter of a new story received so well. 34 reviews from just 200 hits, bloody hell. You guys rock so hard it actually hurts. **

**I know this one's not going to get quite the same amazing response (purely as there's only so much naked Remus/Sirius I can sneak in before it gets boring) but, if you have a spare moment, please do drop a line :)**

**Poor Peter, he always seems to walk in at the wrong time!  
**


	4. Chapter 4

**In case anyone is interested, the tune for the song in the middle is the same tune as Kooks by Bowie. I'm sure it fits to most tunes though! :)**

* * *

_**Romancing Lily to make her fall madly in love with me Plan**_

_Take her on a romantic broom ride to show her my sensitive side and my amazing skills on a broomstick. _

_Serenade her with a song I have written especially for her; the more people around the better, as she will feel special if there are people there to see how much I love her._

_Save her from a dangerous creature (not too dangerous, as Lily or myself might get hurt, but dangerous enough to be threatening)_

_Have her kidnapped by someone suitably evil, then rescue her dramatically so that she can see how strong and amazing I am._

_Fall dramatically into a water fountain together; emerge looking all wet and delectable so that she couldn't dream of resisting me. (make sure her shirt is white for added benefits)_

_Kiss romantically as water drips off our sexy bodies.

* * *

_

James read through the list again, gnawing his lip. "Are you sure this will work, Padfoot?"

"Never been so sure of anything in my life, Prongs." Sirius grinned, pointing to the list with a grin. "No girl could resist you after this."

* * *

Remus stood at the window, eyebrows almost touching his hairline, as he watched James and Lily on the broom outside. Lily sat in front of James, eyes tightly shut as she screamed profanities at the top of her voice.

"JAMES POTTER PUT ME DOWN RIGHT NOW OR I'LL GET HIPPOGRIFFS TO RAPE YOU IN YOUR SLEEP! GET ME ON THE GROUND OR I'LL TAKE A CHEESE GRATER TO YOUR EYEBALLS WHILE THEY'RE STILL IN YOUR HEAD! LAND THIS THING OR I'LL CHOP OFF YOUR GENITALS, GIVE THEM TO THE HOUSE ELVES AND MAKE THEM PUT THEM IN YOUR MORNING COFFEE!!!" Lily screamed, as more and more people moved towards windows to watch the furore.

"A whole new wooooooooorld! A magic place I neeever knew!!" James sang, performing a wronski feint as Lily screamed louder.

Remus heard a laugh from behind him, and turned to see Sirius standing there, an amused smirk on his face. "What is he doing?" Remus asked, shaking his head. "Does he have a death wish?"

"He is taking Evans on a romantic broom ride to show her his sensitive side and amazing skills on a broomstick." Sirius smirked, walking to stand next to Remus. "Oh, she looks ill up there, brilliant."

"What did you do?" Remus asked, brow furrowing quizzically. "Do I need to be worried?"

"No, of course not Moony! I just gave James a little bit of dating advice!" Sirius grinned wickedly, throwing an arm across Remus' shoulders and guiding him away from the window. "Besides, we all know Lily's going to go with James _eventually_, so a few extra weeks of waiting won't harm James too badly..."

"Sirius..." Remus groaned, giving the patented 'look of disapproval' to his amused friend.

"It was his idea! Everything on the list was his idea. I just encouraged him!" Sirius grinned, pushing Remus onto the bed. "Don't forget that. This is James's idea of romance. I'll never understand that boy..."

"Lily is going to kill him. That's if McGonagall doesn't get to him first." Remus sighed, watching as James looped Lily around the skyline. "How long does he intend to keep her up there?"

"Until she falls madly in love with him." Sirius grinned, sitting down next to Remus. "It would almost be romantic, were it not for the fact he kidnapped her, forced her on a broom and subjected her to his frankly awful singing skills."

"Poor Lily." The broomstick disappeared from view, making Remus frown slightly. Upon hearing James scream like a little girl, he jumped up, running to the window. "Oh my..."

"What?" Sirius jumped up, moving next to Remus. "Oh dear..."

Below the window stood a dismayed James and a teary, furious Lily, who was screaming at the top of her voice whilst James attempted to conjure buckets of water. Between them lay the charred remains of James' broomstick, still smouldering from the heat of what was obviously Lily's spell, given the direction her wand was still pointing.

"She blew up his broom?" Sirius whistled, surprised. "What does James see in that woman? Crazy old bint..."

"Sacha, no!" James cried, clutching the white hot ashes that remained of his beloved broom with a wince. "Why, Gods, why?!"

"So, I guess the "take Evans on a romantic broom ride to show her my sensitive side and amazing skills on a broomstick" plan was unsuccessful?" Remus asked Sirius who stood alongside him, chuckling.

"Have no fear, dear Remus, there is plenty more where that came from. Just wait until you see ideas three and four." "Oh, actually, you're quite fond of Evans, aren't you? You might not be too keen on three then, but it will be worth a watch anyway..." Sirius grinned, grabbing Remus's arm. "Come on, lets go watch Minnie blow her top at him!"

* * *

After Lily's furious display of her distaste for the romance skills of James Potter, McGonnagall agreed (after much yelling and punishing) to change the upcoming Quidditch match from Gryffindor v Hufflepuff to Hufflepuff v Slitherin in order to give James time to acquire a new broom.

The marauders climbed up the Quidditch stands, James and Sirius whispering hurriedly about the outcome of the game. As undoubtedly important as the Hufflepuff v Slytherin game most likely was to the Gryffindor chances of winning the house cup, Remus was distracted by far more important matters.

Taking to their seats, Remus couldn't keep his left leg still as he tapped a nervous rhythm, only calming himself when Peter expressed delight that he was finally getting 'that Quidditch spirit!". Settling himself, Remus tried to listen as Sirius rambled about the different formations Hufflepuff preferred, waiting impatiently for the teams to emerge.

The match began uneventfully, though if one was to listen to James' running commentary, they would believe it to have been the most exciting game in the history of Quidditch. Remus watched half heartedly, before letting his gaze fall purposefully away from the action.

Staring at the Hufflepuff goalkeeper, Remus tilted his head, dragging his eyes up and down the form of the tall man on the broom. _Well, he's not bad, but he's no Sirius..._

"Moony? What are you looking at Abbott for?" Sirius nudged Remus, pointing towards the opposite goal end, where the chasers and seekers flew around. "The action's all happening down the other end."

"Oh! Thanks, Padfoot." Remus altered his field of vision, watching the action around the Slytherin goal mouth, before letting his eyes slide back down the pitch to where Abbott flew.

"Remus!" Sirius hit Remus on the stomach, pointing at Richard Abbott. "What's so interesting about him, eh?"

"Oh, nothing Padfoot." Remus dragged his eyes slowly away from Abbott, looking at Sirius briefly. "He's just quite good at Quidditch."

"The quaffle hasn't come near him yet!"

"Oh..." Remus shrugged, glancing back at the goal keeper purposefully, letting Sirius see him eye the keeper from root to tip. Sirius glanced at Abbott with a frown, tilting his head to get the same view as his friend.

"He's got quite short legs, hasn't he." Sirius stated, closing one eye and squinting at the keeper. "Very disproportionate."

"I suppose." Remus shrugged, still looking at the keeper.

"He has a bit of a squashed face too." Sirius pointed out, pushing his own cheeks together. "He looks like a pug dog."

"Really? I hadn't noticed." Remus replied. Sirius stared at the prefect incredulously, before looking harder at the keeper, trying to see what he was missing.

"YES!!" James punched the air, jumping out of his seat. "That was _glorious_, that rotation on the broom was an absolute dream! Look at those sour Slytherin faces, fantastic. Did you see that?"

"Er, yeah." Sirius stated offhandedly, not looking away from Abbott. _Short legs, pug face... His arms look a bit wimpy too... Why is Remus staring at him?_

"That wronski feint could have used with a bit more axial rotation, but there's no faulting that it did the job, and in fairness Johnson shouldn't even be attempting a move of that complexity -" James cut himself off, glancing at Sirius with a frown. "Pads?"

"Hmm?" Sirius questioned, finally glancing over to where James sat.

"What are you looking at Abbott for?"

"He's supposedly quite good at Quidditch." James gaped, waving towards the Slytherin goal end with wide eyes.

"The quaffle hasn't been in his half yet!" James exclaimed, frowning. "All the action is down the other end!"

"Remus said he was doing well." Sirius shrugged.

"You're taking the advice of _Remus Lupin _about Quidditch?" James shook his head, catching the menacing smirk on Remus' face. "Frankly, I think if anyone could lose this game for Hufflepuff, it is that man between the sticks. He is shockingly bad."

"Hear that Remus? He's _shockingly bad. _ I bet he's rubbish in bed too." Sirius stated, crossing his arms over his chest and staring at the keeper. "Really, really, really rubbish in bed." Suddenly a cheer spread across the ground, engulfing the stands around James, Sirius and Remus.

"THAT WAS BEAUTIFUL!" A booming voice announced over the commentary as the crowds cheered, the hufflepuff stands celebrating particularly hard.

"What happened, what happened?!?" James shook Peter frantically, trying to see what was going on.

"Trundle caught the snitch!" Peter grinned, waving his scarf enthusiastically. "Slitherin lost! They didn't even get a single point, brilliant! And what a catch of a snitch that was, too... Magnificent, best of the season by far. Who would have thought such a small girl could master that really rare quidditch move?"

"What?!?" James fumed, glaring at Remus.

"Oops?" Remus mouthed at James, before glancing back down to the ground where Abbott stood. "I might go congratulate Abbott on the win..."

"No no, don't worry about it! I'll congratulate him for you!" Sirius all but yelled, dodging out of his seat and out of the stands. Peter exited the stands swiftly, hoping to congratulate Emily Trundle on her catch.

"So, best catch of the season?" Remus started, a small smile on his face. "Rarest Quidditch move? An avid Quidditch fan would be loathe to miss that."

"I hate you."

* * *

Remus and Peter sat at the breakfast table the next day, poring over their homework as they prepared for another monday morning. The two marauders sat alone, abandoned by their compatriots as Sirius had 'some business to attend to' and James had 'to prepare'. For what, no one knew.

Remus raised an eyebrow as James entered the hall, old muggle guitar firmly clutched in his left hand. The pureblood winked at the werewolf, walking up to him confidently. "Lets see Lily try and resist me after this!"

James strolled over to where Lily sat with her friends, ignoring the fierce glare she aimed at him. Despite her protests, he sat alongside her, reaching over to clasp her hand lightly.

"Look, I wanted to say that I'm really sorry that my romantic broom ride went awry. I just wanted you to like me, that's all..." James sighed, glancing to the floor in shame.

"That's alright, Potter." Lily's face softened slightly, nodding in acceptance. "Just so long as you don't try getting me airborne again."

"Trust me, I wont." James stated, taking a moment to remember his beautiful broom Sacha, whose ashes had been scattered across the Quidditch pitch a few hours earlier (_"Its what she would have wanted"_). "Anyway, I wanted to make it up to you."

"Potter..." Lily hissed, sharp angles returning to her face as she watched James climb onto the Gryffindor table. "What the hell do you think you're doing?!"

Muttering a sonorous charm for his throat, James coughed lightly, strumming the guitar in his hands experimentally. "Er, I'd like to dedicate this song to the beautiful Lily Evans..."

"_Met a girl and her name was Lily_

_she made me feel rather chilly_

_in my underwear_

_soon she'll know_

_and she'll warm me up _

_with her really nice hands_

_and her lovely mooo-uuuth!!" _

James sang at the top of his voice, strumming his guitar hopefully. Lily looked thoroughly unimpressed, hiding her face in her hands as he serenaded her woefully. "Lily, you are lovely, please forgive me?"

"After that?" Lily hissed, reversing the sonorous charm James had placed around them. "What are you trying to do, make a fool out of me in front of the whole school? James Potter, you are an awful excuse for a human being!" Lily stormed off, affronted friends following in her footsteps immediately. James sighed, walking to where Remus and Peter sat.

"I thought that went rather well." James shrugged, grabbing some toast. "She didn't slap me, nor set anything of great importance to me on fire. Practically a success."

"Well, since she's already burnt your broom, there's not much let of value that she could have burned within reaching distance." Peter summarised, pouring milk into his breakfast bowl.

"I don't know, Pete, I think Lily was frighteningly close to the part of the male anatomy that no man wants setting alight." Remus raised his eyebrows as James and Peter winced. After shuddering for a moment, James relaxed, glancing around the table until his eyes laid sight of the substance in Peter's breakfast bowl.

"What are you eating?!"

"Honeydukes cereal." Peter answered after he'd finished his mouthful.

"I didn't even know Honeydukes made cereal..." Remus pondered, glancing at the bowl in interest.

"They don't. Its just their chocolates in a bowl with milk." Peter answered, munching on his 'cereal' contentedly. Remus and James's mouthes formed small 'o's as they considered this, before their ponderings were interrupted by Peter. "James?" Peter asked, looking across to the hufflepuff table. "Is there a reason Richard Abbott has two black eyes?"

"Sirius punched him." James threw a pointed look at Remus, pursing his lips in slight disapproval. Remus blinked, biting his lip with a slight frown.

"He punched him?" Remus repeated, looking towards the Hufflepuff table to confirm. Spotting Abbott looking significantly more like a panda, Remus winced, rubbing his nose in sympathy.

"Yep." James raised his eyebrows, nodding towards Abbott. "Right on the nose. Tried to do it straight after the Quidditch, but Abbott was in their common room already, so he waited until this morning. Said he thought Abbott was rubbish at Quidditch and Sex and attractiveness. Et Cetera."

"Oh..." Remus nodded, worrying at his lip with nervous teeth. "I feel guilty now."

"So you should." James grumbled, biting into his toast.

"Why?" Peter interrupted, making Remus jump.

"Oh!" Remus's eyebrows shot up. "Well, I didn't stop Sirius from hurting the poor boy, I feel a bit guilty, don't you?"

"Nope." Peter answered, taking another spoonful of cereal. "Abbott was probably making a move on one of Sirius's women or something. Its his own damn fault, everyone knows how jealous Sirius gets when it comes to competition."

"Yes, I suppose he does." Remus replied, slightly distracted. Pushing his plate away, Remus stood up, climbing off the bench. "I'm going to go have a word with Sirius. I'll see you in Transfiguration."

Turning away from his friends, he grabbed his bookbag. Heading towards the exit, he didn't see the wand pointed at him, didn't hear the words till too late, only realising what had happened as a black nothingness engulfed him.

* * *

**Oooooo-oooh!  
**

**All these reviews are making me go 'the-C.I.A.-is using-my-fillings-to-control-the-world's-pancake-supply' crazy! Ahh, I even considered that maybe there was just one person reading my story who had created 30 accounts in order to review lots and make me feel loved (though in all honesty, if someone had gone through the trouble of making 30 accounts in order to make me update more often, I'd feel pretty special ^.^) Yeah. You still all rock.**

**There was a request for more James/Lily loveliness, so I am trying to work them in a bit more. =]**


	5. Chapter 5

Sirius burst into the hospital wing, robe flying behind him as he shuddered to a halt in the centre of the ward. Spotting his intended target, Sirius flew towards the bed, leaning against the railings anxiously as he gazed down at the far too pale figure beneath the stony sheets.

"Sweet Lady Godiva!" Sirius yelled, putting his hand upon Remus forehead worriedly. "Is he dead?" Sirius' voice cracked as his large grey eyes focussed upon the fretting nurse.

"Don't be silly, Sirius Black! He's hardly ready to run a marathon, but he'll live." Pomfrey stated, fluttering around the bed anxiously as she placed cooling spells on the bedbound boy. "He has a fever, but nothing his body cannot handle, I am glad to say."

"Who did this to him?! I'll curse them so hard they won't stand for a week!"

"I think you'll find Mister Potter has already seen to that, Mister Black!" McGonagall screeched from across the room, strands of hair flying loose from her bun as she held the culprit of Remus' downfall to the bed, his legs replaced by long, gnarly tentacles. "And if you even so much as think of another incantation, you'll have detention for a year!" Sirius ignored her, far too focussed on Remus' stationary form.

"Blood!" Sirius screeched, pointing to Remus' stained pillow. "Blood! He's bleeding! He's going to die!"

"Mister Black, calm yourself! You're upsetting the other patient." McGonagall yelled, whilst being slapped round the face by a loose tentacle.

"I'll do more than bleeding upset them if they think they can abuse Moony! What the hell happened?" Sirius fumed, running a hand through Remus' matted hair.

"Well, Mister Black," McGonagall huffed as she finally stunned the fussing boy under her care. "I believe the whole mess started after you punched Mister Abbott, supposedly mentioning Remus' name during the unnecessary attack on your fellow student. Needless to say, a comrade of Mister Abbott sought revenge, attacking Remus with a severing spell of some sort to the back of the head. Really, Mister Black, if you had any sort of decorum, this whole mess could have been avoided."

"You're blaming **_me_**? I wasn't even there!"

"You may not have been there at the climax, Mister Black, but you were there to instigate the conflict. Really, if you must get into such fights, at least avoid getting poor Remus involved. He has enough to deal with." Mme Pomfrey huffed, placing a final few cooling charms on her patient. "Why he's friends with you, I really do not know."

Pomfrey and McGonagall slipped into the nurse's office, unnoticed by the only conscious member of the room. Sirius sighed, eyes still focussed on the horrific deep red stain spread across his friend's pillow. Gazing into Remus' eyes sadly, Sirius leant down to place a light kiss to the corner of Remus' mouth. Sighing once more, Sirius pulled away, his brain trying to make sense of the cobweb of emotions floating around after that rather feminine gesture.

"I need some women. And liquor. Women and liquor. And a lollypop." Sirius stated in a deep voice, glancing at Remus one final time before heading for the door.

* * *

The slam of the door to the Hospital Wing echoed as the pureblood left, rousing a sleepy werewolf from his drug induced slumber.

Remus opened his eyes blearily, looking to either side of his bed briefly, ignoring the octipodean creature curled in the corner of the room. Yawning widely, Remus sighed, closing his eyes, fingers resting on the corner of his mouth as he drifted to sleep once more, muttering about shiny black hair and roman noses.

* * *

James paced anxiously around the common room, snapping at the first years who stood in his way. Sighing, Lily placed her book on the table, standing up with a weary sigh.

"Potter, what the hell is wrong with you?" Lily stormed up to the anxious teen. "You'll wear a hole in the carpet if you keep pacing like that!"

"Sorry, Evans. Its just that Remus is in the hospital wing, and Pomfrey sent me away but I'm worried about him. One of the hufflepuffs cursed him, and I know he'll be fine but he'd want someone to be with him, even if he wouldn't admit it." James huffed, dragging a hand through his hair anxiously.

"He's a big boy, Potter, I'm sure he'll be okay alone for a while." Lily stated, eyebrow raised.

"No! If he woke up, he would want me or Sirius or Pete to be with him - Pete's in the library, and Sirius is God knows where! I should be in there, dammit, he's my friend."

"James." Lily lay a hand on his arm, smiling softly. "I'm sure, were Remus to be in a life threatening condition, McGonagall would come and find you. He needs rest, and even if he does wake he'll hardly be coherent, so just take a deep, calming breath, and relax. There's nothing you can do right now. " James inhaled slowly, gazing deeply into Lily's eyes as he slowly forgot about Remus and focussed solely on the small, gorgeous hand resting on his arm.

_She's falling for the Potter charm. Act now, before the short window of niceness is slammed in your face! _A voice that sounded suspiciously like Sirius yelled in James' mind. Scanning his mental Romancing Lily List, a flash in the corner of the common room distracted him, before providing the perfect opportunity to attempt idea number 3.

"Lily! Beware of the foul beast that approaches!" James exclaimed, jumping between his love and the terrifying creature that snarled from the corner of the room. "Just look at those feral teeth, its foaming at the mouth, the rabid monster! With the sharp talons at the ends of its beastly legs, it seeks to reap death and destruction!"

"Potter!" Lily gasped in her ever so attractive manner, reaching for her wand cautiously. "What do you think you're doing!?"

"I'm saving you from the oh-so-dangerous creature that puts your life in peril, dear damsel! Run, before it has a chance to smite you with its evil ways!" James shouted, brandishing his wand like a sword. "Begone, evil villain!"

"She's not going to _smite _me Potter, for Gods sa- Potter! **Potter! **Don't you dare -" Lily shrieked as she saw James' arm make a familiar swish and flick movement.

"Petrificus Totalus!" James yelled victoriously, swishing his wand with extra flair.

"**James Potter!**" Lily yelled in what James thought to be a rather adorable tone. She moved forward rapidly towards the creature, before James grabbed her, pulling her into his embrace.

"You need fear no more, fair Lily, the evil monster has been handled! You are safe in my secure hands!"

"You _**STUNNED **_my _**CAT**_!" Lily screeched, pummelling James in the chest with her fists until he abruptly released her, a look of anxiety on his face.

"_Your _cat?" James winced, shoving his hands into his pockets.

"My_** cat**_. I swear to god, you duffbrained idiot, if she doesn't wake up you'll wish you were dead." Lily's words were laced with venom, her fingers lacing themselves through her large cat's fur.

"But - he was frothing at the mouth..." James stated confusedly, as Lily slipped off her cloak.

"_She_ has a saliva infection." Lily cried, wrapping her cat up in the garment and stomping towards her dormitory. "You're such a dunce, Potter."

"Well." James stated quietly, looking himself over. "At least she didn't curse me." And with that, he walked to his own Dormitory, yellow and green striped tail swishing behind him.

* * *

James entered the dormitory, surprised to find Sirius lying on the floor rigidly, a bottle of firewhiskey clutched in his hand and a lollypop in his mouth. "How did you get up here? It was empty five minutes ago!"

"I walked up here while you and Lily were doing your odd heterosexual mating ritual. Nice tail, by the way."

James looked behind him, spotting his new appendage. With a sigh, he clasped his wand and made the swaying tail disappear, before sitting down and lying alongside Sirius. "Nice view from here."

"I thought so. That stain looks like a centaur from here." Sirius stated, turning his head to face his friend and popping the lollypop out of his mouth, throwing it towards his bed. "James?"

"Hmm?"

"How did you know you loved Lily?"

"I just did."

Sirius sighed. "Yeah, but what signals did you have?"

"..." James sat silently, debating what to do. Despite popular belief, James Potter was not an idiot. He knew that Sirius questioning love could only mean one thing, and that did not bode well for the modest nature of James' genitals. "You're falling for a boy."

"I'm not." Sirius sighed, resting his arms on his thighs. "I don't think I'm gay." James sat in silence, "Well, its not that I don't think I'm gay. I just don't think I could be in a relationship with a man."

"You don't?" James blinked, looking at Sirius worriedly. _This does not bode well for Remus' sanity._

"There's just too much stigma, you know?" Sirius sighed, placing the firewhiskey next to him and lacing his fingers together. "Like, I wouldn't be able to kiss them in public, or get married, or do all number of other relationship things because they'd be a man and it would be wrong in the eyes of everything else and I don't want to be wrong."

"Could you be in a relationship with a woman?"

"Well, no." Sirius stated, leaning up into a seated position.

"Well then you'd never be able to do any of those things anyway." James stated, propping himself up on his elbows. "I think, Sirius, that if you love someone, it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. If you love them, you'll deal with all of the shit because every night, you get to go to sleep with that one amazing person resting in your arms, and that makes it all worth it."

Sirius sat silently, examining his hands whilst James watched. Sirius bit his lip, taking a gulp of firewhiskey.

"So, do you love someone?'

"Not yet. Ask me again in a week or two, though, and I may have a very different answer for you." Sirius sighed, glancing at the bottle of FireWhiskey in his hands. Taking a final long swig from the bottle, he stood, handing the bottle to James and heading in search of answers.

James sighed, looking at the bottle in his hands. "Remus better thank me, you know. I just donated my dignity so he could find love. He should be bloody grateful." The bottle remained silent, before James tipped it to his mouth, when the glug of liquid seemed to distinctly echo "Yup."

* * *

Remus' eyes slipped open the next morning, groaning as the light penetrated his tired pupils. Glaring around the room, he spotted a small, fluffy object sat upon his bedside table.

Looking at the small teddybear, which appeared to be a dog, with a small smile, Remus picked up the note alongside it, reading it as his smile spread further across his face.

_Sorry, I've had to dash off, Moony, I was starving! I stole this off some slytherin kid. It looks like Padfoot, doesn't it? Keep him with you, he'll keep the evil crazy Hufflepuffers away from your poor head when the real, far cooler Padfoot is otherwise occupied. Come find me when the old hag releases you from the infirmary, we'll find some girls to swoon over you in your injured state. Love, Pads_

Lying back once more, Remus let his eyes drift shut, the new, stolen mini padfoot resting securely in his arms.

* * *

_Yeah. Sorry for the whole Remus blackout in the last chapter. It wasn't really intended, I just got to the end of writing it and mini Remus in my head started crying 'I'm so tired, author lady, I need time off to visit my kids. Sirius gives them too many ice pops! Its winter, their tiny tongues will freeze off!' and I'm a sucker for a sob story, so I let the poor chap have a week off. Sorry for taking so long to post this, too - life got in the way, damnit!_

_Major props go to **Renai-chan, lovefan81 **and **MissusPotter **for reviewing all 4 chapters! Gosh guys, you're suckers for punishment, coming back again and again... :) OH! And to **nosoinnocentfangirl**, thanks to you my old RWLRIW story now has more than 700 reviews! ^.^_

_In answer to Renai-chan on another review... Harry/Draco freaks me out for reasons I don't understand. I think its because I associate Draco with ferrets, and so immediately think 'ew, Harry's into bestiality'... Hmm. I have issues._

_Finally, I've two new one shots up - **How Sirius Broke The Quidditch Cup **and **She Asked Me if I Loved You. **You know the routine by now - go and read my stories then leave reviews exclaiming my genius. Love you lots xxxx_


	6. Chapter 6

**brief summary of why this hasn't been updated; the last chapter didn't get great reviews, nor have my other stories recently, and, worry wort I am, I thought I'd lost 'It'. I didn't want to upload this chapter as I had a bit of a failing of confidence, so I really, really hope you like it!  
**

* * *

Two days later, after a relatively speedy recovery, the sun shone through the Gryffindor boys' dormitory, coaxing a sound yawn from Remus' lips. Sitting up gently, he rolled his shoulders, entire body tense in preparation for the change it would undergo that night.

Climbing gingerly out of bed, Remus shuffled over to the mirror, glancing at his sleepy form determinedly.

He had decided the night before that there was no avoiding the inevitable. He had to tell Sirius and Peter about his non-furry, sexuality secret. Without James, of course, who would probably try and sabotage the whole thing to win the bet. _Damn James. _"You can do this."

"Damn straight you can, dear!" The mirror answered.

"I don't think straight is really the best term to use in this instance." Remus replied, shuffling towards the bathroom. Minutes later, upon exiting, he spotted Sirius, and approached him with brow raised.

"Sirius? What are you up to?" Remus asked warily, coming to stand at the end of the bed with crossed arms.

"Moony!" Sirius grinned, climbing towards his friend and off the bed. "Why so suspicious! I've done nothing wrong yet!" He winked, walking towards his friend.

You're fully dressed. At midday. On a Sunday. When there's no Quidditch. That's reason enough to be suspicious." Remus replied, not backing away from Sirius' fast approaching form. The approaching full moon had his senses on high alert, and his weary form knew something was going on, something he wouldn't particularly like.

"Suspicious is such a strong word, Rem." Sirius replied, grin on his face as he stepped closer, stopping when he was inches away from the slightly flustered werewolf.

"Ahem?" Sirius and Remus jumped apart as James coughed loudly, looking between the pair with an amused smirk. He stood with two broomsticks under his arm, much to Remus' confusion. "Sirius, its time."

"You have the potion?"

"I have the potion." James nodded, handing a vial over to Sirius, before looking over at Remus with a grin. "I'm going to make Lily admit her love for me."

"That better not be a love potion, Prongs. I know you have no love for the law, but making Lily fall in love with you using illegal measures wi-"

"Oh, Remus, of course its not a love potion! I'm not that stupid!" James grinned, clapping Remus on the back. "Well, we've got to go and knock Lily out. Come on Padfoot!" James threw one of the brooms to Sirius, and within seconds they had both flown out of the window, Sirius shooting an embarrassed grin at Remus' confused face.

"Knock Lily... James! James, wait -" Remus called out the window fruitlessly, before sighing. "That poor, poor girl."

* * *

James landed his broom silently a few hundred meters from where Lily sat beside the lake, not wanting to frighten her too much. Sitting down calmly beside her, he looked across the Great Lake, watching fish and mermaids skim just below the surface.

"Look, Lily, I'm really, really sorry about that whole thing with your cat." James stated, glancing at her briefly. "It was a really stupid thing to do, but I just wanted you to like me, and somewhere in my small brain that seemed like it might help."

The pair sat in silence for a moment, gazing across the lake contemplatively.

"The stunning spell fixed her saliva infection." Lily stated, squinting up to glance at James against the winter sunlight. "And she doesn't have quite so big a limp anymore."

James started as Lily spoke, looking at her with wide eyes. "That's good."

"Yes, it is. Thank you, I suppose. In your own, very special and illogical way, you helped her." Lily stated, eyes staring off across the lake.

"Glad I could help." James smiled, before spotting a large man behind Lily. "Oh God, Not no-" Lily turned, squeaking as she spotted the large man behind her.

"Hello Princess." A grotesque, broken face filled her vision, just before the world went black.

* * *

"Sirius!"

"What James? I thought I was meant to KO her!" Sirius whined, wand dangling loosely in his hand.

"Yes, but we were having a civil conversation! She hadn't threatened to kill me once!" James replied, motioning towards the static body on the floor.

"Oh well, you'll get over it. We still on for scaring her a bit?" Sirius grinned, the usually charming smile looking more like a grimace with the new features.

"Well I suppose we don't have a choice now, do we?"

* * *

Remus sat in the dormitory, attempting to read, for another 20 minutes after James and Sirius left, before a mixture of guilt and curiosity got the better of him. Grabbing the map, Remus sighed, looking across the paper for his friends and Lily. Spotting them in the Shack, his brow furrowed, before he took off as fast as possible.

* * *

"You shall never be free!" Claude laughed menacingly at the tied up girl, resting his large hands on her shoulders. "And the kingdom will be mine!!"

James raised an eyebrow at Claude's exclamation, with Claude shrugging back, mouthing 'its what they said in that fairytale?'.

"I keep telling you, I don't own a kingdom!" Lily stated, a mixture of exhasperation and annoyance in her voice. "And I don't know who you are, but Dumbledore will find you and stop this madness!"

"Ah, but you live in a castle, full of sorcery and charms!" Claude exclaimed, running the tip of his wand around Lily's neck. "And so I must smite you with my turgid sword!" Claude exclaimed, thrusting his hips forward dramatically as James rolled his eyes. "Your Dumbledore is no match for me, you hearty wrench!"

"What in Merlin's name?" Remus exclaimed, firing a stunning curse, a winding spell and a jelly hex at Claude and jogging over to Lily's tied form, quickly cutting the ropes and ripping off the blindfold, immediately receiving an armful of Lily.

"Oh, thank god!" Lily exclaimed, as Remus attempted to comfort her, wand still pointed at her would be attacker.

"Remus!" The second Remus heard James' whining tone behind him, he knew this could only end badly. "I was meant to rescue her!" Feeling Lily stiffen in his arms, Remus turned slowly, keeping himself between Lily and James. James' face told a story, and immediately upon seeing his annoyance, Remus worked it out.

"Oops?" He muttered, looking over to where Claude lay, an annoyed frown on his face too.

"I can't believe you hexed me, Rem!" A voice far too familiar whined from the imposing man's body.

"Sirius, really?" Remus sighed exasperatedly, reversing the curses.

"It was all James' idea!" He exclaimed.

"And you thought it was a good idea to go along with it?"

"I can't help that I'm a natural follower." Sirius shrugged, blinking innocently.

"Follower, right." Remus scoffed, the close to the surface wolf growling at the 'attack' on its desired partner. "I'm assuming polyjuice. I don't even want to know how you stole a hair from whoever _this _is."

"James Potter." Remus and Sirius fell silent as Lily's low, wrathful voice broke through their bickering. "You concocted a potion with illegal ingredients to make Sirius look intimidating. You knocked me out and tied me to a chair. You And then you have the _nerve _to get annoyed at Remus when he comes to stop this madness!" Lily was all but yelling now, volume and pitch increasing as she became more and more agitated. "And to think, I thought you had changed!"

"Sweet Lily, it wasn't so much a kidnap... I knew you were safe the entire time! I was going to rescue you and everything!"

"I thought I was in danger, you absolute prat!" Lily yelled.

"From my 'turgid sword'?" Sirius scoffed, as Lily's face reddened. "Come off it Lily, you weren't that scared. I doubt you even believed it. You're just looking for a reason to yell at James."

"You, Sirius Black, are one of the most horrific examples of the human race." Lily snarled, walking up to Sirius threateningly.

"Well, Princess, take a look in the mirror. The only reason we did this was because you've got a stick shoved so far up your arse that you won't even agree to a date with Prongs when he's being nice. Hell, he had nothing to lose doing this because you wouldn't give him an inch, you stuck up cow." Sirius replied, not backing down. Remus and James both winced as a loud crack echoed through the air from Lily's slap, before she stormed out of the shack, Remus guiding her towards the exit when her face became flustered.

"You owe me one, Prongs." Sirius muttered, rubbing his jaw with a wince. "Good lord, that girl's got a good punch on her."

"She's had a lot of practice." James grinned, rubbing his own jaw sympathetically. "Remus, I can't believe you interrupted my hero moment!"

"I probably should have realised it was Sirius when he used the words 'hearty wrench'." Remus conceded with a lopsided grin. "Shouldn't the polyjuice be wearing off soon?"

"I drank quite a lot. Wasn't sure when we were going to let the little witch go!" Sirius stated, still rubbing his jaw. "Don't worry, I'll be back to normal before sundown, Rem."

"Unless you downed several vats of Polyjuice, you should be." Remus replied, going over to sit on the old chair in the centre of the room. "We've got four hours. No point leaving the shack now. Anyone fancy exploding snap?"

* * *

A few hours later, after several games of exploding snap and a strong drink, the moon set, and 10 hours later the moon rose as usual. Peter shuffled from the shack first for his early morning Transfiguration remedial group, as the others stayed in the shack.

James watched through half lidded eyes as Sirius went through the usual post-full moon routines, healing and closing all the injuries on Remus' body with learned care, occasionally stroking the scars and healing wounds that littered the boy's body, before carefully dressing him.

"I think I hate your scars as much as you do." Sirius stated aloud, rubbing lotion over the final scrapes on Remus' face. "Each one must be so painful, I can't imagine..." Sirius tilted his head, gazing at the werewolf contemplatively. "You're so amazing for going through all that crap, I don't know how you do it and still come out so bloody attractive! If I went through that, I'd look like mashed potato..." Sirius trailed off, looking around the room, quickly glancing at James' motionless form, which appeared asleep.

"Its really shit that I'm not brave enough to do this when you're conscious, isn't it?" Sirius grinned, brushing the hair of Remus' face with a smile. "I wonder if this counts as sexual harassment, taking advantage of the fact that you're out for the count?" James watched silently, stomach dropping to his toes as Sirius leant down, placing a soft, loving kiss on Remus' forehead, before moving downwards and kissing his mouth lightly. "God, I'm a loser, aren't I?" Sirius laughed after he pulled away, standing up to lift Remus onto the bed. "And you can't even sarcastically answer my rhetorical questions, what a waste. I'm going to go and get some food, Moons. I'll be back in a minute." Sirius stated to the unconscious man, walking out of the room.

James lay motionless for a few moments, thoughts flying through his mind. "That so did not count." He muttered, thanking God for the 'both parties must be willing and able' clause, as his genitals did not want an unwelcomed airing.

Climbing to a standing position, he waved his fists at the boy in the bed in annoyance, frustration bursting over as he realised that the odds did not look good for him.

"I will not be beaten." James hissed into the unconscious face, fists still flailing madly before he grabbed Remus' shirt, shaking it lightly. "YOU CANNOT DEFEAT ME!"

"If you're going to kill me, please get it over and done with. This melodrama is more painful than death could ever be." Remus muttered, eyes still closed as James let go of his shirt, grabbing Remus' chin instead. Opening his eyes tiredly, Remus looked up at his friend wearily. "You know, if you are going to kill me now, you should probably come up with an alibi."

"I'll tell them I was in the kitchen eating."

"Then Peter or the House Elves could confirm that you were not." Remus stated, relaxing as James let go of his shirt and sat beside him. "Wouldn't hold up in court."

"I'd tell them I grabbed some bread from the side in the kitchen and took it to the dormitory."

"And who could account for your whereabouts?" Remus asked, brow raised. "No one is ever in the common room at this time in the morning except maybe Lily, and after the events of yesterday I think lying to keep you out of jail is far from her prerogative.

"Sirius would vouch for me!"

"Don't be silly, Sirius would be too busy mourning my death."

"Then I'd beat him up until he vouched for me."

"Oh yes, I'm sure the testimony of a black and blue, sobbing Sirius is going to keep you out of the big house." Remus grinned, shuffling up the bed. "I think, for the good of all of the marauders, maybe it would be best if you didn't kill me and accepted your inevitable defeat."

"NEVER!" James cried with a grin, launching himself onto the werewolf's stomach.

"Hey! Off the injured wolfy!" Sirius yelled as he entered the room, trays of food floating either side of him. Sirius climbed onto the bed, laying parallel to Remus as he wrapped an arm around his shoulder. "You feeling alright, Moony?"

"Yes, thank you. Good job with the healing spells." Remus nodded, grabbing an apple from the floating tray.

"No problem." Sirius grinned, grabbing buttered toast for himself.

"Sirius, sort out an argument." James sat up, leaning on his elbows as he bit into some toast. "If I were to kill Remus, would you lie to cover up my inarguable guilt?"

"Are you planning on killing Remus?" Sirius asked, wrapping his arm tighter around Remus' shoulders. "Because I'd rather you didn't, I'm quite fond of our little wolfy amigo."

"Not for the next week or so." James conceded, stretching.

"Can't you get Peter to lie for you?"

"Sirius, he's not going to kill me." Remus interspersed, his voice, still weak from the full moon, being entirely ignored by the other two marauders.

"You know as well as I do that Peter's a rubbish liar. I want you in that courtroom with me when he's dead."

"_When _I'm dead!?!" Remus replied indignantly, looking between the pair.

"What weapon are you considering using? Because if its handheld, framing someone is going to be far more difficult, dangerous and fun!" Sirius grinned, squeezing the werewolf slightly.

"You're both children of satan." Remus muttered. The two other marauders immediately turned to face him, grinning widely.

"Why thank you!" James bowed, grin never leaving his face.

"How charming of you to notice!" Sirius continued, finally removing his arm from Remus' shoulders.

"You two are incorrigible." Remus muttered, climbing from the bed. "I'm pretty much healed, so I'll see you in class."

"You need any help, Moony?" Sirius jumped up beside him, offering an arm.

"I'm a big boy, Sirius, I can handle getting to class." Remus rolled his eyes tiredly, pulling his robes on. "Now both of you try and put your sensible hats on before class, and no more discussing how you're going to cover up my death. See you later." He grinned, waving as he left.

"You know, sometimes, Sirius, I think our work here is unappreciated."

* * *

That night at dinner, the opportunity finally presented itself. James was in detention for a dung bomb gone awry, so Remus, Sirius and Peter were the only Marauders in the Great hall, all the other occupants of the room were deep in conversation and Remus was feeling less wolfy and whiny and more like himself once more.

So, there was only one thing Remus could do. Putting his fork onto his plate, he looked between the marauders, coughing purposely. Once he had their attention, he scratched his head quickly before beginning.

"Well, guys..." Remus started, looking at the two expectant faces before him and ensuring no one was listening to their conversation. Breathing deeply, he looked Peter in the eye, unable to face Sirius as he said it. "I'm gay."

Peter's fork slipped, the squeals as a forkful of mashed potato flew through the air ignored by the three marauders. He stared at Remus for a long moment, mouth agape, before laughing. "Yeah, and I'm Margaret Thatcher. Funny joke, Rem."

"Its not -" Remus started, before seeing some retaliation baked beans flying towards him. Ducking out of the way, Peter wasn't quite so lucky, several beans flying into his ear.

"Hey! Private conversation going on here!" Peter yelled, grabbing a handful of peas and runner beans, throwing them in the general direction of the beans' origin. "Moony, we already have a gay marauder, we don't need another!"

"'We already have a gay marauder'?" Remus repeated, eyebrow raised as several slices of bread flew past the three marauders, slapping into various unassuming Hufflepuffs. "Something you're not telling me, Wormtail?"

"Not me! I like boobs and womanly bits!" Peter replied indignantly, grabbing a ladleful of gravy and letting the liquid fly through the air haphazardly. "You know well and good that Padfoot's the man-lover." Remus' eyebrow scooted higher, finally feeling brave enough to glance over at Sirius, whose face was as red as can be.

"Oh, really?" Remus replied, trying to act casual whilst every bone in his body wanted to jump and shout.

"Yeah, James told me ages ago!" Wormtail grinned, his smile faltering as something cold and wet hit his back.

"James knows?" Remus replied, looking at Sirius once more. Sirius nodded, biting his lip anxiously. Remus smiled internally at his friend's almost kind act, relaxing as he realised James probably knew Sirius was gay before starting the bet, so he was never in for complete and utter humiliation/rejection. Nice to know your friend doesn't want you to fall completely flat on your face.

"But anyway, Remus, I saw you eyeing up that Ravenclaw girl the other day. You know, the one that's good at DADA. We don't need a pair of gays, one is enough to fulfil our marauding quota." Peter stated, throwing bread over his shoulder without a second glance, grabbing a bite from one slice before it was airborne. "Now, if you'll excuse me..." Peter stood up, bowing to the two remaining marauders lightly, before grabbing a vat of ice cream and running to hide behind one of the upturned tables, shielding himself from the debris, before a sneezing spell hit him from behind and he fell like a sack of potatoes.

Sirius and Remus sat across from one another, staring awkwardly as food flew around them. The silence dragged on for a few moments, before Sirius grinned.

"So, Ravenclaw girl that's good at DADA?" Sirius repeated.

"I think he means Celia Trundhall." Remus replied, pointing over to one of the Ravenclaw battlement groups. "James told me she has one arm longer than the other. I think he may be right."

"Oh. Right." Sirius kept smiling, before finally looking around. "Wow, food fight."

"Yes, Food fight." Remus stated as Snape ran away from some charmed runner beans. "You know as a prefect I'm supposed to condone this sort of behaviour." Remus continued, looking at the 'war' contemplatively.

"As a prefect you're also supposed to condone fun of any kind." Sirius grinned as the pair stood, observing the scene casually. "And you know that's not the Marauding Way."

"I suppose not." Remus replied with a grin. "I'm sure I can turn a blind eye." He conceded, turning towards the door.

"Remus?" At Sirius' questioning tone, he paused, turning back to look at his friend curiously. "Did you mean what you said? Is it true?"

"I'm not one to lie about such matters, Sirius." Remus answered, smiling at his friend.

"Wow." Sirius grinned, ducking a slice of bread before grabbing Remus' arm tightly across the table, pulling him closer. "I mean, that's good." He smiled, glancing at Remus' lips momentarily before running away to grab the carrots, throwing a handful towards some Ravenclaws.

"Yeah, good." Remus grinned, observing the mayhem contentedly.

* * *

**Review!!!!!!! You know you want to, deep down... And it is very true that Reviews do make me update faster (sad, but true). Over 30 reviews by the end of the month and I promise to have the next chapter up before 5th March! I know I'm asking for a lot, but my free time is a commodity at the moment, and so I need there to be a chance you wont make it to target!!! :D  
**

**PS. Check out my recent one shots!  
**


	7. Chapter 7

**Bloody hell. Bloody shitting hell. I set a target, and you guys go 'I see your 30 reviews, and raise you 50.' You're good, I'll give you that. **

**Same applies as before; lots of reviews and the next chapter will be up by 15 March. :)**

**Get on with the reading, then! I see you shiver, with ant-ic-ip....ation! **

* * *

It was almost thirty minutes before the food fight began to wind down, due to a mixture of threats by the teachers and a distinct lack of food. In the midst of the aftermath, McGonagall seemed torn between unstoppable anger and thinly veiled curiosity as to how one of the students had charmed cream to seemingly drip off the stars, interspersed with accusing glares at the two conscious marauders. Yet, no matter how hard she tried, there was no direct evidence which indicated their guilt ('which is bloody good, because for once in our lives we're not _actually_ guilty!' 'Pads, yelling isn't going to help matters') so with one final sharp glance, McGonagall sent them on their way to the Hospital Wing, an unconscious Peter in tow.

"Eh, he'll be fine. One two many custard tarts to the head." Sirius stated as he levitated Peter's body down the empty corridors.

"That and about fourteen awry spells. He has a nose where his ear should be, Sirius."

"Bloody impressive wandwork." Sirius grinned at Remus, lack of attention making Peter's body float awry, head banging against a wall.

"Pads!"

"Oh don't worry, there's nothing in there to damage." Sirius grinned, paying more attention to Peter's path once more. "Impressive work with the cream on the stars, Moony."

"Why thank you, Padfoot." Remus grinned, reaching over absentmindedly and wiping some cake off Sirius' brow. Sirius jumped at the touch, looking over at Remus with wide eyes as Remus licked the remnants off his finger.

"You had some cake..."

"Right." Sirius muttered, quickly preventing Peter from hitting another wall before they entered the hospital wing. Madam Pomfrey immediately hurried over, fussing over the unconscious marauder whilst asking as many questions as possible to the two conscious members of the group. After she finished grilling them and focussed solely on Peter, Remus sat down in one of the old battered chairs.

"I'll hold up fort here. You head back to the Dorms, an unconscious Peter only demands the attention of one Marauder." Remus grinned, waving Sirius away.

"I could stay with you, if you want?"

"Please don't." Pomfrey interspersed, moving Peter's nose back across his face. "The last thing I need is Sirius Black in my hair all evening..."

"You've got CoMC early tomorrow, don't worry about it. Besides, you're covered in food." Remus answered sensibly with a smile. Looking down, Sirius couldn't deny the truth.

"I suppose I am. Night, Moony. Mme Pomfrey, may your evening be as sweet as you are." Sirius stated, grabbing her hand and bestowing upon it a light kiss, before hurrying out of the room.

"Don't think your tomfoolery will soften me, Black!" Pomfrey called after his receding form, before looking at her hand with a fond smile.

* * *

Remus closed the door to the hospital wing behind him as quietly as possible. Pomfrey had patched Peter up to the best of her abilities, but it appeared he'd need at least two nights in the hospital wing to make sure everything was where it should be.

The walk to the Gryffindor common room was, therefore, a quiet one. Trailing through the castle, he eventually reached the imposing portrait of the fat lady, and after muttering the password 'pumpkin dreams' he entered, a barrage of laughter hitting him almost as soon as he entered the room. Glancing over instinctively to where James and Sirius usually sat,  
he spotted the group of joyous students, all hanging on (a freshly cleaned) Sirius' every word, and James' occasional interruption.

"-and then, this barmaid says to me 'But Sirius, if that's your penis then what was the - Oi! Remus!' Sirius grinned, trying to push one of the girls off his lap and make some space on the sofa for his friend.

"Don't worry, Sirius, I'm going to get an early night." Remus grinned outwardly, inwardly wincing as he watched an incredibly beautiful man whisper something in Sirius' ear.

"You sure?" Sirius asked, brows raised.

"Sure as sure can be." Remus muttered, walking stiffly up the boy's staircase, stopping when he was meters from their dorm as the group downstairs erupted in laughter. Standing in the darkness for a moment, he closed his eyes, breathing for a moment. "Lets just go to sleep, I can worry about it in the morning." He whispered to himself, blanking his mind and heading to bed.

* * *

Remus sat crosslegged on the window ledge in the Gryffindor dormitory, looking over at where the CoMC group was heading back towards the castle. Of the marauders, only Sirius and Peter were studying the subject; Remus' furry little problem meant most of the animals were terrified of him, and James had decided to study Muggle Studies, in the hopes of picking up some tips for wooing Lily.

Naturally, a large group had formed around Sirius, vying for his attention, for him to grant them one smile, wink or nudge. The group moved as one, all heading across the grounds exceedingly slowly, listening to Sirius' ramblings with such attention that one would think they were listening to the words of a genius.

And here lay one of the main reasons Remus had never acted upon his feelings towards Sirius Black. The reason that had been eating away at him all night, the reason he couldn't catch a wink of sleep.

Sirius Black was perfect. Utterly, frustratingly perfect. He could smile at any man, woman or sheep in England and make them swoon. He had the choice of anyone in the world, from the Queen to Freddy Mercury.

Why should a man of such perfection, a man who could choose from the creme of society, choose a scarred, poor werewolf? It was the first time since the bet had begun that Remus had a chance to consider his previous fears, and the more his mind thought, the more he realised how utterly idiotic he was.

"Alright? You've got a face like a ruptured pumpkin." Remus glanced over his shoulder, spotting James leaning against the doorframe with a light smile.

"James, I've had enough." Remus sighed from the windowsill, looking over the grounds. "I've got to stop trying with Sirius, this isn't going to happen and I can't keep trying to force it or I'll push him away as a friend. Even if I do get him, I won't keep him for long..."

"Rem, you can't give up now. You know the consequences." James reminded lightly, walking over to the window and sitting next to his friend. The small bay window was cramped but not uncomfortably so as James looked out, catching a glance of Sirius laughing and gesturing wildly to the girls who followed his every move as he returned from Care of Magical Creatures.

"I don't care. I'd rather my looks suffered for a week or two than damage my friendship with Sirius permanently." Remus stated, looking down at the group. "Look what he could have! Look at all of them. Girls, boys, all of them. And there's a good few down there that can offer him a lot more than I could in every department; they're more attractive, more intelligent, funnier, richer..."

"Remus. Mate. I'm Sirius' best friend, trust me when I say I wouldn't let him date a complete ugly loser." Remus cracked a small smile at this, "And Sirius couldn't give two hoots about how much money you have. Honestly. The absolute, total worst thing that could happen is that he doesn't like you back - which I doubt - in which case, knowing Sirius, he'll spend the rest of the year trying to set you up with fit gay men. Win win."

"You're not meant to be so nice about this. You're meant to be rubbing in the fact my mission to get Sirius is hopeless..." Remus grumbled, crossing his arms sullenly as James threw an arm across his shoulder.

"Just because I want to beat you doesn't mean I don't want you to reach your goal in the end too, you idiot." James grinned, ruffling Remus' hair. "Besides, I already know exactly how its going to go. You see, you and Sirius will get together after a drunken fumble in McGonagall's office in about 6 months time. You will have some good, happy years together alone, before one of your new age flu potions goes wrong due to you putting too much sperm in it, and several mini Remuses and Siriuses are produced. I shall, of course, be God Father to every single one of the little buggers. Again, you will have a good few happy years like this, before Sirius gets inexplicably jealous of your furry little problem. At this point, he will go out of his way to be as interesting as you; getting himself bitten by a vampire, transformed into a banshee, hell, he might even sew his torso to the body of a horse in an attempt to become a centaur. Shortly after this, he will_** eat PETE**_, which will annoy you as, despite his bad habits, you're actually quite fond of Pete. It is at this point, in approximately 17 and a half years, that your relationship shall crumble. You'll go insane with grief, Sirius will go insane out of jealousy towards your own insanity, and I will become guardian to your 14 children, who shall form the James Potter Quidditch team." James stated this with such certainty that Remus was wholly unable to react in any way for a good few moments.

Eventually, Remus laughed nervously, leaning back for a second and looking out of the window. "Where'd Sirius go?" He asked, brow crumpling.

"Is he not down there?" James leant over Remus, own brow furrowing as his trained eyes tried to find his friend. "He's probably just found a hiding place from his 'adoring masses'." James stated, placing a hand against the window to steady himself. The sound of a door opening made him jump, legs tangling with Remus' as he turned to face the room's new occupant.

"Oh." Sirius stood in the doorway, looking oddly at James and Remus. The two remained stationary for a moment, before realising the intimacy of their position. Faces inches from one another, legs entangled, and James' hands either side of Remus's head, there was only one way this could look.

Remus pushed James away as James struggled to stand, both of them tumbling onto the hard wood floor loudly as Sirius stood motionless in the door, mouth set in a cold, firm line of anger.

"Don't feel you have to stop on my account." Sirius stated coldly, quickly moving to his bed, dumping his books on his trunk and moving towards the door once more.

"This isn't how it looks, Padfoot." James replied anxiously, running a hand through his messy hair from his position on the floor.

"I think its exactly how it looks." Sirius stated, smiling icily at both of them. "I hope you're very happy together." With a swish of his cloak, he left, door slamming harshly behind him.

Remus flinched as the door rattled, leaning back against the cold wooden wall limply.

"Bugger."

"I doubt there'll be any buggery any time soon." Remus stated bluntly, leaning forward to rest on his knees. "I'm an idiot."

"No you're not." James answered instinctively, reclining on the floor tiredly. "Pads just... misunderstood... the situation."

"Right." Remus' smile didn't reach his eyes, and James frowned briefly, before grinning once more.

"You know, we should just cut out the middle men and kiss each other. Looks like that'd be the only action we'd get at the moment." James stated with a smirk, winking at Remus. The smile seemed to go a bit deeper, still no-where near the normal 'Remus smile', but at least a bit more alive.

"You're an idiot."

"A horny idiot." James joked, rolling forward onto his knees. "It'll be fun, I'll pretend you have red hair and tits, and you can pretend I have a cock! I already have the black hair!"

Remus leant forward rapidly, staring intensely into James' eyes. James swallowed soundly, watching nervously as Remus crawled towards him, stopping inches from his lips.

"You really need to get laid, you dunce." Remus smirked, before leaning away with a tired grin and a sigh. "Well, now that Sirius thinks I'm shagging his best friend, my chances of winning the bet are screwed."

"I'm really, really sorry, Rem." James had the decency to look very guilty, clasping Remus' shoulder supportively. "He'll get over it eventually, honestly. Promise."

Remus scoffed lightly. "Not likely. He'll probably run off with the Queen or David Bowie or someone..." Remus' shoulders dropped, and he pulled himself up, offering James a hand. "I should just aim for a more realistic boyfriend, someone in my catchment area... I don't know, Snape or something..."

"You're out of Snivelly's league, mate. You're the Irish Quidditch team and he's the bloody Maldives, and you know how shit they are after that game me and Sirius dragged you to." James jested lightly, accepting the offered hand and climbing up, before going to sit on his bed. "Men will throw themselves at you."

"Oh yes, the dating scene is crying out for a skinny gay werewolf." Remus scoffed, heading for the door. "I'm going for a walk. See you later."

James sighed, watching as the door shut quietly behind the solemn figure. Cracking his knuckles anxiously, James stood, running his hands through his hair once before steeling himself for what was to come.

"This is going to hurt."

* * *

**OOH! What's going to hurt? Hmmm? Only one way to find out...**


	8. Chapter 8

The next few chapters will be late, I'm afraid; at the end of March my laptop crashed completely (I cried when the old battlehorse broke!), then I moved to South Africa, so this is being re-written in skanky internet cafes, which is taking longer than I'd like! I'm so annoyed, I had the last 3 chapters perfect on my laptop, somehow this doesn't seem as good :(

* * *

*CRACK*

"Tell you what, mate, all that extra weights work Kornbull has you doing is really paying o-" James started, rubbing his jaw lightly as he stared at an enraged Sirius across the Astronomy tower.

*CRUNCH*

"-hit the bludger that hard, and we're sure to win the league." James continued as his left eye swelled, a small trickle of blood seeping from his temple. Sirius snarled, fists balled and eyes cold. In one swift mood, Sirius dove forward, knocking the wind out of James and throwing them both to the floor.

"Shut the hell up, you dirty bastard." Sirius hissed, jumping to his feet and leering over James. "I don't want to hear it."

"Oh, trust me." James sighed, rolling up onto his elbows and wiping the blood from his cheek with a mildly annoyed glance. "You most definitely do."

"What could you possibly have to say that I would want to hear?" Sirius declared tiredly, the raw energy seeping away from him as anger turned to grief, looking down at his friend with sad, disappointed eyes. "You knew, you knew I liked Moony." He stated, lowering himself onto the window ledge.

"Of course I know, I'm you're best friend, I have to know stuff like that. The question is, how was Moony meant to know?" James replied, looking at his hunched friend. "When did you ever tell Moony that he was anything other than another Marauder to you?"

"That doesn't matter now, does it?" Sirius retorted, leaning back to look at the sky. "You know, I didn't expect it to be you that would steal him away from me. Anyone but you, Prongs. Always thought you were too wound up about Evans to see anything else. I always thought it would be a woman, a stupidly curvy, annoyingly intelligent cow who I could hate unashamedly. Then Moony comes and tells me he's gay, and I think, hey, maybe, just maybe, he feels… I don't know, something! Something for _me_, Prongs, for _me_." Sirius glared at James again, the anger returning. "Then you show up, you and your stupid hair and your bloody hero complex and it's just all so easy for you, Mr Perfectly Adjusted!"

"Will you listen to yourself?" James explained, approaching Sirius. "When has Moony ever shown any interest in me? It's always been you, you loon! Always!" James exclaimed back, finally pushing himself to his feet. "When you 'caught us', he was lamenting about how you'd never like him! And what, do you think I'd just give up on Lily, the love of my entire bleeding life, for a quick fling with Remus?"

"If you had any taste you would." Sirius smiled slightly, releasing some of the tension in the room.

"I'll let that one slide." James grinned, looking at Sirius expectantly. "Do you remember a week or two ago, I asked you if you were in love, and you said 'ask me in a week or two'? I'm asking now, Sirius."

Sirius inhaled slowly, closing his eyes and dropping his head. Looking up briefly, he opened his mouth, yet for a moment no words came out. "Do I even need to say it?"

"Not to me." James conceded, crossing his arms. "However, there is currently a 17 year old werewolf moping through Hogwarts, thoroughly convinced that you hate him, and that he's only fit for the romantic company of Snivelly, that could use with hearing it."

"Snivelly?"

"Yep. Last time I spoke to him, he was threatening to ask the weasel out, so you best go dig him out of his misery."

"Most definitely." Sirius turned to go, pausing at the last minute to look at James once more. "Sorry about, well…" Sirius waved his hand towards James' face, smiling sheepishly. "Don't know my own strength."

"No bother." James shrugged nonchalantly, looking Sirius in the eyes. "Now, I believe you have some business to attend to." James grinned. Sirius' grin matched that of his brother in all but blood as he reached up, gripping James tightly on the shoulder and squeezing tightly. Letting go, Sirius span, running out of the tower towards the man he couldn't stop thinking about.

James smiled fondly as he watched Sirius' retreating back, knowing his friend was going to make amends and declare his love for their wolfy amigo, at which point they'd embrace and…

"Oh bollocks." James huffed, eyes widening in realisation, before sprinting off in chase after his friend.

* * *

Sirius tore through the Hogwarts building, hoping that his feet would lead him in the right direction. Jumping across gaps in the stairs and throwing himself around corners, he sprinted through the charms corridor, only slowing when he spotted a slightly greasy teen lurking at the side. "Oi, Snivelly!"

Snape glanced tiredly at the approaching teen, sighing as he turned back to the noticeboard which had captured his attention. "Can I not have ten minutes of peace, Black?"

"Stay away from Remus." Sirius stated, pointing a stern finger towards the Slitherin.

"I have no inclination to approach that _beast_." Severus snarled, upper lip curling in distaste as he regarded Sirius.

"You say that now, but if he approaches you all wanton and whatnot…" Sirius muttered as Snape looked on bewilderedly. "Well no funny business! None at all, you hear me?"

"Loud and clear." Snape drawled. "If only you were saying something comprehensible, this conversation might actually be worth having."

"Whatever, just go to the Slitherin common room or something, he can't get to you there…" Sirius muttered.

"Gladly." Severus stated as Sirius ran off. Snape watched Sirius leave with confusion, incapable of understanding his lack of bodily injuries or extra extremities, before his eyes closed in frustration as he heard approaching footsteps. "You know what they say, can't have one marauder without another on its tail…" He muttered, pinching the bridge of his nose tiredly. Unwilling to put up with the second of hell's devils, Severus slipped into a storage room, waiting for whichever marauder it was to pass, when an all too familiar voice broke through the silence.

"Potter!"

* * *

James sprinted down the Hogwarts corridors, twisting and turning through the narrow aisles in search of Sirius. Spinning rapidly round a blind bend, it took all his quidditch agility to avoid the figure on the other side, though even he couldn't evade the slim, freckled hand that shot out to grab his arm.

"Potter!" Lily hissed, starting slightly as she saw the state James' face was in. "What in heaven's name happened to you?" James frowned for a moment, before touching his face in realisation.

"Oh, nothing much..." He stated, smiling appreciatively as Lily healed the worst of the injury. "Lily, as much of a pleasure as it is to bask in your company, I'm afraid I really must dash –"

"Oh no you don't!" Lily screeched, tightening her grip on his arm. "No, you are going to listen, and you are going to listen good, mister." Lily huffed, pulling him back so she stood between him and his intended escape route. "We're going to have a little chat."

James froze, his gaze finally leaving the path ahead of him and hitting Lily. If the annoyed glare on her face was anything to go by, nothing good could come of this. _Oh bollocks._

* * *

Sirius tore through the entrance hall, through the grounds and down the tunnel to the Shack before he even knew where he was going. He approached the opening to the Shack slowly, desperately hoping his feet had led him to his desired target, to Remus.

Sliding the door open and shuffling in, Sirius spotted Remus' bag, discarded on the old leather recliner. He stood silently for a moment, waiting for an indication of Remus' location, before a light creak upstairs gave Remus away.

Climbing the creaky old stairs with intent, Sirius knew Remus would hear his approach, would have time to try and escape if he so wished, but Sirius didn't care. He wasn't about to slow down now. Running to the door that lead to the old, master bedroom, Sirius yanked it open. An expectant Remus sat on the bed, charms books scattered across the threadbare duvet and parchment in his lap. He looked at Sirius curiously, a guarded expression covering his face, and Sirius found himself speechless. Soon enough, the first words to come to his mind slipped through his lips.

"I'm an idiot?"

* * *

"Lily, please –" James started, before Lily shot a swift silencing spell at him. Sighing silently, James lent against a storage door for comfort, and stared at Lily expectantly.

"For the last few weeks, Potter, you have been acting like a complete imbecile." Lily started, crossing her arms across her chest. "More than usual, even; forcing me onto a broom, embarrassing me in front of the entire student body, and kidnapping me. You are one of the foulest, most idiotic human beings I've ever had the misfortune of meeting? And do you know what makes it worse?" James shrugged, eyebrows raised. Lily huffed, throwing her arms aloft in annoyance and pacing quickly. "The fact that when you're not doing something unbelievably stupid, you're saying something uncharacteristically nice! You can't do this to me, James!"

James watched Lily with wide eyes, her frantic pacing pausing for a moment as she glanced over at him angrily. "Do what?" James mouthed.

Lily closed her eyes for a moment, pursing her lips tightly as she opened them. "Make me want to give you a chance."

* * *

"I'm an idiot?"

"Is that a question…?" Remus asked, putting his charms text book aside and frowning slightly. "Sirius, about before…"

"James already explained." Sirius interrupted, pushing off from the door frame and heading into the room. "And I am an idiot. No question about it." He repeated, approaching the bed slowly. "A proper, certified idiot."

"Can't argue with that, I suppose." Remus conceded, watching with wary eyes as Sirius sat on the bed cautiously. "So, exactly how much did James explain to you?"

Sirius squeezed his eyes shut for a second, willing himself to have that usual cocky confidence. Opening his eyes, he stared at the freckle just below Remus' left eye. "Enough." He squeezed the word out, shifting to look at Remus' large wide eyes for just one second.

Remus' breathing hitched, hands shaking as he looked at Sirius. "Look, I understand if you don't feel –"And just like that, the calming drum of Remus' voice brought Sirius to life, pouncing across the creaky bed and pushing Remus into the sparse pillows.

"Shut up." Sirius stated, leaning heavily on Remus as their faces lay inches apart, breath mingling. "You don't have a clue how I feel, and that's my own fault." Sirius whispered, bringing his hands to thread through the tawny ash hair below him. "I should have told you."

"I didn't exactly tell you either." Remus reminded Sirius gently as he frowned, wrapping his arms around Sirius' form and squeezing experimentally. Sirius grinned, realising his excitement at the position they found themselves in was all too evident. Remus, surprisingly, took control for a moment, leaning upwards to trail desperate lips along Sirius' jawbone. Sirius pulled away, grinning as Remus whined quietly.

"You have no idea how long I've wanted to do this." Sirius smiled, lowering himself down with intent.

* * *

"Lily…" James mouthed, watching her resume her pacing. She ignored his silent call, huffing back and forth frantically before a strong grip on her arm froze her feet.

"Must you be so insufferably nice?" Lily asked, waving James away as he attempted to answer. "Seriously; sincere apologies, caring for your friends, being able to hold a serious conversation; you're meant to be the bad guy, you're meant to give me reasons to hate you." James opened his mouth once more, but a stern glare swiftly rendered him motionless.

Lily stepped forward, a near frozen James watching as she approached "Remus once asked me to give you one shot. One chance to prove that you're not a complete arse. You better thank him profusely because this is the only chance you're ever going to get."

Lily took his face in her palms, completely in control as she pressed their foreheads together tightly. "I have no idea what I'm letting myself in for, but it sure as hell better be fun, Potter."

* * *

And so, in completely different parts of the Hogwarts grounds, four sets of lips met in their pairs, the passion and desperation of years of desire evident in both furious embraces.

* * *

I'll try and have the next one up in 2 weeks (response dependent, of course, if you lot think this is shit then I may need to rewrite what I have of the next chap!)


	9. Chapter 9

**Grah. Not a great response for the last chapter. I HOPE THIS IS BETTER!**

* * *

Lily pulled away anxiously, looking at James' face nervously. His eyes remained closed as he took a moment to gather his thoughts. "Well, say something, Potter." Lily finally snapped, her nerves rising to the surface as she chewed her nail. "Because frankly, I don't know if I just made the biggest mistake."

"You didn't." James' eyes stayed closed as he stored away every single sensual detail from the kiss. Opening his eyes, he dipped his head, tangling his hands into her hair as he placed a soft kiss onto her lips.

After pulling away, Lily looked up at him once more. "This doesn't mean we're officially a couple. I'm just giving you a trial period."

"That's all I ask." James replied, dipping to kiss her once more before his mind cleared and the bet floated to the forefront of his thoughts. "Lily, as much as I'd love to stay and keep kissing you, I have – er – Quidditch practice. Really soon." Placing one final kiss on her lips, he started running, before dipping back and kissing her once more.

"Go, you idiot." Lily stated, rolling her eyes as James took her advice and immediately ran off.

* * *

Whilst James tore through the castle in search of Remus, the sneakily hidden werewolf lay in the Shrieking Shack, a dastardly good looking pureblood still firmly attached to his lips.

The two of them rolled across the bed, until Remus was the one straddling Sirius. Grinning at this small victory, the smile rolled off his face a second later, as Sirius rolled them over again, straight onto the hard floor. The wind was blown out of Remus for a moment, as a cloud of dust surrounded them, and Sirius began attempting to apologise.

"Don't worry." Remus grinned, wrapping an arm around the back of Sirius' neck and pulling him into a sharp kiss. "It was definitely worth it to have you straddling me."

"I bet." Sirius grinned. "So, how does it feel to be in the arms of a sex god?" Remus grinned, before pushing the pureblood off him.

"I wouldn't know. Do you know where I could find one?" Remus grinned, smirking as he realised his school shirt was half unbuttoned. Pointing at the open shirt, he nodded. "You are very subtle, I'll give you that."

"You're easy to distract." Sirius grinned, whining in disappointment as Remus re-buttoned his shirt.

"I've got to go to the library. Homework." Remus shrugged, leaning down to place another kiss on Sirius' pouting lips. "However, we can continue this later, I assure you."

"Promise?" Sirius asked, a wicked smile covering his lips. "Because I am desperate to know how this ends."

"Oh, you know." Remus smirked, looking to the floor as he tucked his shirt in. "See you later, Padfoot." Remus smiled, grabbing his books and walking calmly out of the shack.

* * *

Sirius virtually floated up to the dormitory, collapsing onto Remus' bed contentedly. He lay in content silence for a good ten minutes, before rising onto his elbows as he heard the door open, seeing a red head of hair pop into view.

"Evans!" Sirius yelled as he spotted her, too happy to let her dampen his joy. The red head jumped a mile in the air as his voice shot through her, and he waved as her eyes fell upon him. "Is there a reason you're in the boys dorms, poppet?"

"No." Lily stated defensively, stood still in the middle of the room. Shaking off her shock, she relaxed a little. "No. I was just looking for… Never mind." She sighed, looking around the room once more.

"No." Sirius climbed off the bed, walking to where Lily stood with her arms firmly crossed. "I know that look anywhere. Miss Evans, you little minx, you look thoroughly snogged."

"I do not!" Lily declared defensively, outraged at his comment.

"Oh, you most certainly do, my dear. And, for my own sake as well as his, I sure as hell hope it's a certain Mr Potter you've been romancing." Sirius stated. "He's so depressing when you're with another man, it's really not fun to be around."

"Just go away Black." Lily huffed, storming towards the door, but Sirius ran around, bodily blocking off the door.

"Now, Lily, if you're going to romance Mr Potter, you're going to have to get used to me. Package deal, you know." Sirius grinned, leaning against the door frame cockily. "Sucks to be you, huh?"

"Most definitely. Now get the bloody hell out of my way!" Lily thumped him in the chest, before he grabbed her arms and pushed her to a seated position on the nearest bed, looking at her with sudden inquisition.

"Evans?"

"Yes?" She huffed exasperatedly in reply, looking at Sirius in annoyance as he glanced away, brow furrowed.

"She said she was looking for someone." He muttered to himself, before turning his attention back to Lily. "It _was_ James who thoroughly snogged you, right?"

"If I answer will you let me leave?" Sirius nodded. "Yes, it was James, okay? Why else do you think I'd be up here, to gloat? Now, will you please leave me to my embarrassment?" Lily huffed, but Sirius seemed to ignore her, instead looking over to James and Remus' beds in the hope of a revelation.

"Something's not right." He stated as Lily stood. Lily stared at him for a moment, before sighing and sitting back on the bed.

"What's not right?" Sirius turned to face her, brow furrowed.

"If you gave Prongs anything, even a kiss, he should be hanging to your shoes so tightly you'd be at risk of him pulling off a foot." Sirius retorted, pacing the dormitory. "Come to think of it, Moony made a pretty hasty exit, too…"

"Moony?" "Isn't that what you guys call Remus?" Lily looked at him for a moment, before her jaw dropped. "Oh Merlin."

"Huh?"

"You're one to talk about looking thoroughly snogged!" Lily exclaimed, jumping to her feet. "It's not much of a surprise that you turned the other way, your promiscuity meant you'd eventually run out of willing girls, but _Remus_…"

"What – I don't –"

"Oh don't play dumb with me, Black! You're blushing more than I am!"

"Whatever. At least I picked the prettier Marauder." Sirius stuck his tongue out, before coming to a standstill and rolling his eyes. "Oh God, don't tell James I said that, he'll accuse me of making Remus more appealing to you or some other such nonsense… Look, we need to focus. Prongs and Moons are clearly up to something."

"Why must someone always be up to something, Sirius?"

"Look at it logically for a moment, Evans. If they weren't up to something, then you and I would not look thoroughly snogged, we would be in the process of being thoroughly snogged."

"James told me that he had Quidditch training. I came up here in the hopes I might catch him before he went to the pitch. I'm sure Remus has an equally valid reason for disappearing so quickly."

"Lily. If there was Quidditch practice right now, where do you think I'd be?" Sirius asked, beginning to pace the dormitory once more. "And Remus told me he was going to the library as he had some homework left, but its Friday and it's Remus, he always does his homework on the day we receive it, so he always has weekends free for us. He hasn't been given any homework today, he's only had classes with me and we didn't get any homework." Sirius huffed, turning to face Lily. She wrinkled her nose a few times, the beginnings of a smile on her lips, causing Sirius' eyes to narrow. "What?"

"You know exactly how Remus spends his weekends." Sirius shrugged his shoulders nonchalantly. "Sirius Black, you are so smitten!"

"What, because I know how Remus spends his weekends?"

"No, because you_ care_ how Remus spends his weekends. You care about what days he has free to focus on _you_."

Sirius looked squarely at her for a moment, before shaking his head in disbelief. "You're such a girl, Evans."

"Are you trying to say you're not smitten?"

Sirius stood still, opening his mouth as if to speak twice, before closing and biting his lip. Finally, he raised his hand, forefinger and thumb positioned inches apart. "Maybe a little bit." He conceded. "Are you going to try and deny that you're falling for my best friend?"

"I daresay, if I can get rid of your influence, he might stand a chance of becoming a half decent human being." Lily smiled, avoiding the question. "God only knows how monstrous you'll make poor Remus."

Sirius blinked at Lily's choice of adjective, before shaking his head and moving towards James' trunk. "They're up to something, I know it."

Lily's eyes widened as he swung open what was clearly James' trunk. "What on earth are you looking for, Sirius?" Lily asked, going forward and tugging on his arm. "This is a complete invasion of James' privacy."

"One thing you will need to learn, as the future Mrs Potter, is that James keeps a written record of _everything_. And I wouldn't have to invade his privacy if I thought he'd just give it to me."

"How are you going to find whatever you're looking for?" Lily asked as she approached the trunk, scoffing in disgust as she spotted a dead rat in the depths of the disorganised trunk. "There must be a thousand old parchments in there!"

"Trust me, when I see it, I'll know." Sirius stated, continuing his search through the piles of parchment. "Aha!" Sirius exclaimed, holding the tattered parchment aloft, before lowering it to eye level. "Those cheeky bastards!"

"What?" Lily leaned over his shoulder to read. "_Covenant between Esq. James Harold Bartholomew Potter and Dr. Remus Jadoki Lupin –_ Remus' middle name isn't Jadoki, is it?" Sirius shrugged, eyes not leaving the parchment. "You don't even know your best friend and lover's middle name?" Lily exclaimed disbelievingly.

"I know it begins with a J." Sirius retorted. "And you didn't even mention the inclusion of 'Bartholomew' in James' name, so you can't be too sharp on knowledge of your new lover, either… just shut up and read on."

The two read in silence for a moment, before Lily exploded once more. "WHAT? Give me that parchment, I'm going to shove it so far up James Potter's arse that he won't walk straight for a month!" Lily tried to dive across Sirius, but he held her back, his eyes never leaving the parchment as a conspiring grin spread across his face.

"Darling Lily, I do believe we can use this little piece of gold to our advantage." Sirius grinned, pointing to one sentence and turning to watch Lily's reaction. As a similar grin spread to her own face, Sirius began to stand. "Lets go have some fun."

xx

Remus walked through the castle calmly, searching the halls for James. Though he had felt bad for lying to Sirius about the homework, he needed to tell James to prepare to bare all as soon as possible, to give the boy time to prepare (and worry).

Fifteen minutes later, he huffed tiredly. He had searched nearly all of James' usual hideouts, so there was only one place to check. Approaching the fat lady, he opened the portrait just as he heard a voice behind him.

"Moony!" James yelled, a sweet victorious smile plastered upon his face.

"Prongs!" Remus grinned back, entering the common room slightly as James followed him.

"I won the bet!" They both exclaimed at the same time, before freezing. "What?"

"No, Remus, you can't have won the bet," James started, shocked. "Because I won the bet."

"You kissed Lily?"

"Actually, Lily kissed _me_." James grinned at the memory, before focussing once more. "And whilst I know Sirius was on his way to kiss you – you can thank me for that later, by the way – there's no way he did it in the time between leaving me and me kissing Lily."

"James. Its Sirius. He doesn't waste any time." Remus grinned. James winced slightly, before his smile returned.

"I don't want to know the details, thanks. When did you kiss Sirius?"

"About 20 minutes ago!" James' face fell a little, before he gained composure once more.

"Well, I kissed Lily 21 minutes ago, so I win!"

"Oh, as if." Remus scoffed.

"Fine. First one to bed their partner!" James exclaimed, ready to run and find Lily immediately before Remus grabbed his arm tightly

"Lets not." Remus stated, as James started muttering about how the werewolf was only refusing as he knew he wouldn't win. "James, I'm the one whose partner is Padfoot. Trust me, if I whistled now I could bed him in the next 5 minutes." James opened his mouth to protest, before Remus raised a hand to cut him off. "Look, this is easy enough to solve; the kisses must have happened within seconds of one another, so I vote we call it a tie and forget about this whole mess."

"A tie you say?"

"A tie says I." Remus nodded, offering a hand to shake. James pushed his hand out to meet the werewolf's, but a second before there was contact, a voice reverberated through the common room.

"Moony!" Sirius grinned as he flew down the dormitory stairs, James and Remus retracting their hands at the speed of light as he threw himself at Remus. It took all Remus' wolfy strength to keep the pair upright as Sirius barrelled into him, lips colliding in a fierce embrace that made Remus feel soft at the knees (though far too hard in other places, considering the public location…)

"Ahem." James coughed from behind the pair. Remus pulled away, eliciting a light moan of disapproval from Sirius, before he continued to place open mouthed kisses along the werewolf's jaw line. Nipping a particularly sensitive area, Sirius grinned as Remus moaned quietly. Remus looked at James, biting his lower lip as he spotted the pink, vaguely embarrassed look on his friend's face, before he shifted across to look at Lily's mildly amused, yet (for some reason unbeknownst to him) very annoyed face, and then around the common room, realising they were far from alone in the silent common room. "Merlin, if I have to deal with this sort of sex show on a daily basis, some unforgivables are going to end up flying." James muttered, causing Sirius to pull away from the now squirming werewolf with a grin.

"James, I know you want a part of this, but using the imperious to get me and Rem into bed with you is going a bit far." Sirius grinned, hugging Remus fervently.

"You wish." James grinned, before turning to the other occupants of the room. "Okay, everyone, back about your business." The common room remained frozen, everyone staring at Sirius and Remus with mouths agape. "Now!" James yelled, causing the students to jump back into action.

"Black." Lily called, hands firmly on her hips. "Can we get on with this now?"

Sirius sighed, untangling himself from Remus and walking to stand by Lily. "I suppose." He conceded, turning to Remus and James. "Gentlemen, before we were graced with your presence, I daresay Lily and I were having a quiet discussion." The slightly evil, unbridled excitement in Sirius' eyes, along with the amused, calculating glint in Lily's didn't bode well for James nor Remus, and the two glanced at each other with wide, worried eyes. "It would probably be best if we moved to a more private location…" Remus and James both gulped what may well have been their last fresh air, before nodding and ascending the proffered stairs.

"What the hell is going on?" Remus hissed back to James, climbing the stairs as slowly as possible.

"I have no idea, but Lily looks torn between killing me and snogging me senseless." James whispered back. "At least she's considering not killing me, though; that's a start, isn't it?"

The pair reached their dormitory far too quickly, turning as they watched Lily and Sirius enter behind them, before locking the door. Both of their expressions had changed on the walk upstairs; Lily looked as if she was struggling to contain a grin, whilst Sirius had a blank face, except for the small twinkle in his eye.

"Gentlemen." Sirius stated, motioning to the still unoccupied bed of Peter Pettigrew, who remained holed up in the Hospital Wing. The pair sat down gingerly, very confused and ever so slightly worried. Brandishing the parchment with a flourish, Remus and James both winced as they recognised the parchment in Sirius' hand.

"Padfoot…" Remus started, before a sharp look from Lily silenced him.

"Lily and I were talking innocently, when this piece of parchment happened to fall upon our feet. Given the fact your names were both on it, we thought it would be best to wait for you two to be present before we began reading." Sirius grinned, unrolling the parchment slowly. "_Covenant between Esq. James Harold Bartholomew Potter and the rather fetching Dr. Remus Jadoki Lupin._" Sirius looked up, grinning. "Oh, that's you two, isn't it?" James looked like he was about to be sick, whilst Remus looked torn between denying everything and confessing.

"_The aforementioned parties will compete for the affections of certain persons._ I wonder whose affections they might be fighting for?" Sirius questioned, pausing to look aside pensively. "Lets keep reading, shall we? Something about Beedle the Baird… Oh! Here we are! "_Esq. Potters' affections shall be aimed towards the emerald beauty, Lilabeth Regina Evans-Potter. _Oh, oh that's you, isn't it?" Sirius said, feigning ignorance as he looked at Lily. "Whilst _Dr Lupin shall romance the one, the right honourable, the gorgeous Sirius Black. _Well, _this_ is embarrassing." Sirius smirked.

"We can explain." Remus stated nervously.

"Oh, Rem, don't you worry, I think this parchment explains all." Sirius grinned, eyes leaving the parchment so he could wink at Remus. Handing the parchment over to Lily, he wrapped an arm round her shoulder, leaning on her lightly. "You know what my favourite bit is, Evans?"

"No, Black." Lily replied, with a self-satisfied smirk covering her face. "What is your favourite bit?"

"The part where it says, and I believe this is verbatim, _The losing punishment shall also apply if either of the other participants find out about said agreement._" Sirius said, not even bothering to hide his delight as he looked at his two friends. "Oh! Lily, aren't you and I the 'other participants'?"

"I believe we are, Sirius." Remus and James both closed their eyes, trying to make Sirius and Lily's almost identical malicious grins disappear.

"How _awkward_ for you two." Sirius scrunched his nose, shiny white teeth still on display as he walked towards the bed, dropping his arm from Lily's shoulders as he reached the bed. Standing with his feet either side of Remus', he grinned widely, taking advantage of Remus' closed eyes and leaning down, licking a long stripe up Remus' face.

"Sirius!" Both Lily and Remus exclaimed, as Sirius rolled Remus backwards onto the bed. James opened his eyes at the exclamations, before firmly closing them when he saw what was occurring beside him.

"Oh God, my eyes!" He exclaimed, gagging.

"Can't you wait two more minutes, Sirius?" Lily asked exasperatedly, watching the pair of them with veiled interest.

"I've already waited far too long." Sirius replied, nuzzling into Remus contentedly. "They know that first thing tomorrow they will be thoroughly punished for their little bet. So its time for me to give Remus his own little punishment."

"You disgust me." James stated, one hand covering his eyes as Lily grabbed his spare hand, pulling him towards the door.

"Unless you want to be further disgusted, I suggest you find somewhere else to sleep tonight!" Sirius called, resting his elbows either side of Remus' face. "Hi."

"Hi." Remus grinned, pulling Sirius into another mind numbing kiss.

"Am I going to get lots of silent treatment?" James winced as soon as they were out the door, smiling at Lily optimistically as she turned around. Looking down at the girl who held his heart, his smile widened as he realised she wasn't about to kill him.

"You're lucky." Lily stated, climbing back up to James' step. "I think tomorrow's punishment will be more than adequate. And besides, if the sounds emitting from in there are anything to go by, Remus is receiving no more punishment, so I don't see why you should." Lily conceded, nodding towards the dormitory.

James' smile seemed to widen even further as they descended the stairs. "You're softening!"

"No I am not!" Lily replied, less heatedly than usual.

"You are!" James exclaimed, picking her up from behind and spinning her. "You're virtually putty in my hands!" He grinned as they entered the common room.

"You're doing yourself no favours here."

"That doesn't matter. You like me too much to do anything!" James smiled overconfidently. "Lily and mee, sitting in a tree, k-i-s-s-oomph." James sang, before Lily shut him up in the most effective way. Pulling out of the kiss, she put her hands on her hips, watching him gape like a fish in an attempt to recover.

"May I suggest you stay quiet in the future, or I won't shut you up in such an appealing manner." Lily stated, climbing up the girl's set of stairs. "See you in the morning, Potter. I'm thoroughly anticipating your appearance at breakfast."

"I bet you are, you beautiful pervert!" James grinned, causing her to spin and raise a groomed eyebrow.

"Pardon, Potter?"

"Er, you're a beautiful princess?"

"Better." Lily conceded, continuing her assent.

Spinning to face the common room, James examined the occupants, who were frozen into shocked silence for the second time that evening. "You can clap." They sat still for another moment, and James frowned, raising his wand and charming them into a standing ovation. After basking in the applause for a few minutes, James sighed, waving regally as he exited the common room, oblivious to the gorgeous shade of green that Lily had charmed his skin as he skipped through the castle joyfully.

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***Squeeee***

**It's almost over, one chapter to go! So now is the time to pull your fingers out, people, and review! This is probably going to be my last multichapter fic for a while, so thank you all so much for seeing it through with me, I LOVE YOU GUYS. **


	10. Chapter 10

_Well guys, this is it. I hope you've enjoyed it. Keep your eyes peeled; I'll be writing an AU story next! (First attempt at AU, but it will be interesting, I promise!) Thank you to everyone that had me on Author Alert, Story Alert, any Favourites lists and, of course, those of you that reviewed. Every single one of you have put a massive grin on my face._

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_"How did we end up here?" James frowned across at Remus, who pulled his robe more tightly around his frame._

_"This is all your bloody fault." Remus muttered, hopping from one foot to the other to escape the cold floors. "You and that bloody contract." Glancing at his watch, he looked up again at James, harsh inevitability playing at his face. "Its time."_

_"Right." James sighed, stepping closer to the grand doors that lead into the Great Hall. "On three?" Remus took a final deep breath, nodding at James anxiously. "One, Two, Three... Go!"_

Each boy pulled one of the heavy oak doors open, before dropping their robes to the floor and entering rapidly.

Fast paced music rung throughout the great hall as the doors were pushed open, the entire Great Hall turning to watch as they swung forward. Laughter erupted around the room as Remus and James emerged, naked as the day they were born, and began jigging up the aisles between tables.

The journey to the head table had never seemed so long to Remus, who utilised one large hand to keep most of his dignity in tact as he weaved down the row separating the Hufflepuffs and Ravenclaws. The words to God Save The Queen rumbled lowly from his chest, eyes focused solely on the plaque resting above Dumbledore's head.

Meanwhile, across the hall, James danced with mirth down the aisle separating Ravenclaw and Gryffindor (Neither teen was quite brave enough to chance the aisle between Hufflepuff and Slytherin; after all, a rather important part of the anatomy had far too little protection from flying missiles, hot porridge and nasty spells), waving to the people on either side. Though the initial 'reveal' had been rather too, well, revealing, the moment he had taken a step he had fallen into his element.

_This exhibitionist malarkey isn't too bad! _James grinned, blowing a saucy kiss at one of the older Ravenclaws, bellowing out the National Anthem with gusto.

The pair soon reached the teacher's table, where their suitably shocked professors sat. Dancing to the table, Remus politely offered his spare hand to Professor Sprout, who accepted with a giggle, whilst James bravely extended a hand to the headmaster.

"MISTER POTTER! MISTER LUPIN! What in Merlin's name do you think you are doing? I would expect this sort of behaviour from you, Mister Potter, but Mister Lu – Albus? Albus!" McGonagall called, standing up in shock as Dumbledore stood, stripping rapidly until all that remained was a pair of orange silk boxers. Taking James' hand, he led the pair down the aisle, in an unusual foxtrot/riverdance combination that James couldn't quite follow.

The moment Remus reached the end of the aisle with Professor Sprout, a sigh of relief slipped through his lips, and with a swift kiss on her hand he departed, sliding though the grand doors thankfully.

"Congratulations." Remus turned as he heard Sirius' voice, smiling as he saw the boy holding a large robe open for him. "Jolly good show, Messer Moony."

"Why thank you, Messer Padfoot." Remus smiled, stepping into the robe and letting Sirius wrap it round him, before settling back into a comfortable embrace.

"It's a shame the audience didn't get to enjoy you in your full glory." Sirius grinned, pulling the other grinning teen even closer to him. "It would have been quite a sight. Then again, you're far too ravishing in the buff, and lord knows that hag Lily has a hard enough time keeping her ugly mitts off you as it is."

"Charming." A voice behind Remus stated flatly. Turning to face the room's new occupant, Remus smiled at Lily warmly. "That was quite a show, Mr Lupin."

"I'm glad someone enjoyed it." Remus huffed, pulling the robe around his frame tightly.

"Oh Rem, don't look so embarrassed!" Sirius laughed, throwing an arm across Remus' shoulders and grinning into his partner's cheek. "All you had to do was run through there in the buff! Simple!"

"Dance, Sirius. I had to dance through there." Remus muttered, pulling away. "I'd like to see you try." Remus scoffed, before recognising the playful glint in Sirius' eyes. Moving away from Remus, Sirius threw the tie from around his neck, undoing the first few buttons of his shirt before pulling it above his head. "Padfoot…"

"Your wish, Messer Moony, is my command." Sirius grinned, pecking a suave kiss onto his new partner's lips before dropping his trousers and boxers, skipping into the Great Hall frivolously.

Throwing his hands aloft, Sirius joined James in his morris dance with Dumbledore, the patterns becoming evermore intricate as the song continued.

"Well." Lily muttered, looking at Sirius critically, an amused glint in her eyes. "I can see what it is that attracted you to him, Remus."

"Do I need to worry about you stealing Sirius away now? And here I thought I could count you out of his adoring fans…"

"Oh, have no fear, Remus." Lily rolled her eyes, reaching over to place a hand on Remus' arm as she continued drily. "My ugly mitts belong solely to you."

"Damn straight they do." Remus grinned back, before two sharp voices broke their thoughts.

"Oi! Moony! Get away from my woman!" James shouted through the open door, pointing an accusing finger at Remus.

"Evans! Get your filthy mitts off my Moony!" Sirius barked simultaneously, glaring at the redhead. "Honest to Merlin, Prongs, can't your girl take a hint?"

"My girl! What about your guy? He's over there being all charming and beckoning…" James replied, never stopping the intricate dance patterns that the three of them had settled into.

"Gentlemen, lower your voices this instant!" McGonagalll stormed down the aisle towards the two boys, her face pale with fury whilst here eyes seemed torn between mirth and unadulterated anger, her wand almost splitting under the tight grip of her left hand. "This is a school, not a Quidditch Stadium! Have some decorum!"

"Minnie!" James called, dancing away from Dumbledore and towards the Transfiguration teacher.

"We thought you'd never join us!" Sirius continued, dancing towards her opposite side. Minerva spun as the two circled her, struggling to decide which of the boys posed more of a threat, and therefore which should have the attention of the wand.

As she pointed the wand decisively at James, Sirius darted from behind her, snatching the wand from her grasp. "You could have someone's eye out with that!" Sirius grinned, throwing the wand into the waiting hands of Amos Diggory as he continued to frolic around his Professor.

McGonagalll ignored Sirius, instead focusing her attentions on the headmaster. "Albus! Albus, you must stop this insanity!"

"Sometimes, Minerva, one must let insanity run its course." Dumbledore stated, clapping contentedly as Sirius and James grabbed opposite ends of McGonagalll's scarf, using her as a makeshift maypole. "In ancient Greece, muggles used to play sports in the nude to assert authority. Highly interesting that, thousands of years later, two teenage wizards can find joy in a similar setting, don't you think?"

"But – the children!" She replied, trying to untangle herself from her multitude of scarves.

"The moment Mr Potter's assets were revealed to the room, Profanity shields ensured that anyone under 17 would not see anything they shouldn't." Dumbledore smiled, his eyes twinkling as McGonagall glared at him. "Do not worry, they shall run out of energy soon enough."

"Precious Lilyflower!" James called, continuing his dance. "Will you not join me in this wonderfully primitive display?" James asked, releasing the scarf and dancing towards the pair at the door. "The lack of clothing is rather freeing!" He finished, offering a hand to his lady.

"In your dreams, Potter." Lily mocked, though a small smile still formed on her lips as she took the proffered hand. James lifted her aloft, spinning her once before leading her to their makeshift dancefloor.

"What…?" Remus turned, spotting a tired Peter standing behind him. Peter shuffled forward, watching with confusion as a naked James waltzed with Lily, an equally naked Sirius dragged McGonagalll around the makeshift dance floor, and Dumbledore stood aside, clapping in time to the music. "You know what? I don't even want to know. I leave you lot alone for two days… Wake me up when… _this_… is over."

"I get the feeling you'll be sleeping for a long time, Pete." Remus grinned, as Sirius bound towards him, capturing Remus' lips in a fast, passionate kiss. Tongues twirled for a moment, both boys caught in the heat of the embrace. Remus pulled away slowly, remaining in Sirius' embrace as he turned to a thunderstruck Peter. "A very, very long time."

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Fin.


End file.
